


Changing Seasons

by wingedmermaid



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Eventual Cannon Divergence, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Manga Spoilers, Eventual Smut, Eventual mild D/s, F/M, Reader-Insert, Slow Build, the beginning chapters can be read as a stand-alone fluff piece
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-25
Updated: 2014-08-10
Packaged: 2018-01-20 17:52:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 13
Words: 34,773
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1519796
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wingedmermaid/pseuds/wingedmermaid
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You (the reader) are a trainee in the 104th squad. When you're paired up with Bertolt Fubar for winter orienteering training you don't expect much but things end up going a lot more smoothly than you anticipated. This is the story of how you end up falling for him and the resulting fallout in your life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Snow

**Author's Note:**

> I started writing this after I went looking for Bertolt/Reader fics on here and there was nothing. I know there's been at least one posted since then but I wrote this to help fill the void. Sorry about the title. I am rubbish at naming things.
> 
> For the duration of this fic let’s assume that:  
> a) Bertolt’s feelings toward Annie are no more than that of a brother for a sister  
> b) The trainee program is more like high-school/college and students graduate at (at least) the age of 18 because I just can’t do smut with underage characters.
> 
> Also, this started out as a short bit of fluff. If that's all you want then just read the first two chapters. I'll post a note where you'll want to stop if you'd prefer to skip the darker bits/angst. The D/s dynamics don't come into play for a little while and as I don't have a lot of person experience with such things I am very open to any critiques/comments anyone would like to offer. 
> 
> This is un-beta'd and I love critiques/feedback/edits of all kinds (barring hate) so please feel free to leave whatever comments you desire!

The snow was coming down fine and thick like flour from a sieve. It seemed almost intelligent in the way it managed to sift through every single crack in your winter uniform. You shivered and adjusted your scarf as yet another fine mist of cold dusted down between it and the fur of your neckline. In an instant the damned stuff had melted into cool drops against your skin.

“Bertolt!” You stomped your wooden ski down in the loose snow and a small cloud of white puffed up and curled away in the breeze. “Come on!”

“Ah, sorry.” The tall man came gliding out of the trees following your already fading tracks. 

“What were you guys even doing? Watering the trees together or something?” You didn’t have to wait long to see the red flush suffuse his face. He began to stutter something but you waved it away with a grin. “No, I’m sorry. I was teasing. Forget it. They’re off now, too, right?” 

You’d left your partner behind in the trees talking with Reiner, Jean, and Armin so you could get a clearer look at where you were headed next. You’d been assigned to groups of three for winter orienteering training by your teachers but your other partner had sprained her ankle yesterday. So the two of you had stuck together with the others while your paths were more or less the same to save time and energy. But now you and Bertolt were to go up and over the left flank of the mountain while the others were headed further up the side of the valley you’d started in. Jean had been disagreeing with Armin about their own map most of the way and you were not entirely sad to have an excuse to part with them.

He nodded, hesitant, as he slid to a stop. “Yeah.”

“Good. Let’s go then. I’m getting cold.” You turned forward and pushed off, quickly finding your rhythm. The new snow wasn’t too deep so it was pretty easy going. Every once in a while you glanced back to check that the tall man was still following. He was. While they’d been talking you’d been studying your map. You were almost positive that you knew where you were going and had picked out a few landmarks — some barely visible through the grey fog of falling snow — to keep you headed in the right direction.

“Hey...” You’d been travelling for a good half-hour before Bertolt broke out of your tracks to ski up beside you.

“Yeah?” You stopped and leaned your chest against the handles of your poles while you caught your breath. “What’s up?”

He hesitated before speaking and it seemed like he was examining his skis. “Are you sure this is the right way?”

You blinked. “Wanna see the map?”

“Uh, yeah, maybe...” He didn’t seem to want to meet your eyes. 

“Here.” You fished the waterproofed case out from your pack and pressed the leather tube into his mittened hand. 

He popped the case open and you side-stepped over to press yourself against him. He flinched. 

“Hey, it’s still snowing a bit. Lean over so we can keep it dry.”

“Uh, yeah...” He did as you’d requested and you both hovered over the paper. Luckily you were pretty tall as well (though not nearly as tall as him) so it did stay almost dry. He frowned at it for a few long minutes. 

You glanced down at it then back at his face. You’d already memorized the important bits. There was a thin sheen of sweat on his cheeks. You wondered if the skiing was harder on him than it looked. “So, what do you think?” 

He glanced over then jerked back like he’d not expected your face to be so close. Even though you had your shoulder pressed tight against his. You gave him a crooked smile. Poor boy was too nervous for his own good. 

“I put the top of that mountain about thirty-five degrees to our right originally but I’ve been heading for that big tree that looks like it’s at the top of the ridge, there, since the snow cleared up enough that I could see it.” You stuck your poles upright in the snow and manipulated your mitten until it had a more or less pointed sort of end that you used to tap the corresponding points on the map. “This way isn’t so precise but our goal is almost the same direction, and since our target is in a clearing just on the other side we should be able to see it from there.”

He gave the line-covered paper a fierce look as if he could force it to give up its secrets and you felt your smile soften. You’d had lots of classes about strategies and formations but not any that involved actually using maps for areas you were unfamiliar with. “Bertolt, you know map skills aren’t counted toward your final scores, right?”

He looked at you then, brows drawn together over his green eyes. There was always something a little sad about those eyes. “But orienteering is.”

You winked at him. “Exactly. Now you’re orientated, so you should have no problem finishing the task.”

The frown didn't completely smooth away as he stared at you. “Don’t you want to get the best score, too?”

You laughed. “Well, when I can, of course. But our score is going to be the same for this right? So if I help you score well it’ll reflect well on me, too.” He nodded in a thoughtful sort of way and you tugged the map out of his hands and rolled it up again. “I’ll teach you some about navigating with maps later if you want. I’ve had lots of practice with these things.”

“If it wouldn’t be a bother...” He straightened and shuffled back a few small steps after returning the case to you.

“Course not.” You popped the lid back on and stowed it in your pack again. “I love maps.”

You continued to lead the way up the gentle slope to the ridge. Bertolt seemed to have no trouble keeping up with your pace so you pushed yourself a little. Then a little more. Then a little more. It was another half-hour to the tree and by the time you got there you were well winded. 

“Break, please!” You didn’t wait for his answer, flopping onto your back in the snow like a landed fish. You lay there, legs twisted to the side where they were still attached to your skis and and poles splayed out at awkward angles. Your pack wasn’t the most comfortable cushion but you didn’t care for anything past breathing just at the moment.

You closed your eyes as you focused on slowing your panting breaths. At some point the snow had stopped falling altogether so at least you didn’t have to deal with that. You heard some shuffling and the sound of buckles over the rasp of your own lungs. Then the weight of the ski belted to your boot fell away and you opened your eyes to find Bertolt crouching over your feet. He was undoing the bindings for you. He’d pushed back his hood so he must have been at least a little overheated from your exertions as well. You felt a little better.

“Oh, uh, thank you...” You sat up again as soon as you could manage.

“Did you... Did you want me to break track for a while?” His voice was soft as he released your second binding. You felt the snow shift as he settled down beside you. 

“Are we going too slow?” You couldn’t help the small frown. “Am I holding you up?”

“No, you’re doing great.” He smiled then and it was like a shy beam of sunlight peeking out through the clouds. You couldn’t ever remember seeing him smile like that before.

You had to looked down at your mittens in your lap. What was wrong with you. Were you blushing? “Um... thanks.” 

“Hey.” He shifted a little. “You sure you’re okay?”

You fixed the grin on your face and looked back up at him. “Yeah. Yeah, I’m good. Can you see the clearing from here?”

He stood up immediately as if the excuse to do anything useful was welcome. Maybe it was. You didn’t know much about this strangely withdrawn boy. Of course you’d heard the rumours that saturated the camp but they were more likely to be wrong than right. At one point they’d had you pegged as an orphan from some well-to-do family somewhere up in Sina after all. 

As he came back from looking over the edge of the hill he shook his head at you. You frowned. The slope must be less than you’d thought. You looked around. You were pretty sure you were on the right path but checking when you had altitude was always preferable. You wiggled out of your pack then pushed yourself back to your feet and walked over to the big tree. A huge old pine. You eyed Bertolt as he walked over to you. 

His eyes slid away from yours again as soon as they made contact. “What is it?”

“Come here,” You lay a hand on the tree. The bark was rough, good grip. The branches were well out of your reach but maybe... 

Bertolt stopped a few feet away from you. “I couldn’t see anything, just trees...”

“That’s okay. I made a wrong assumption. Lift me up.”

“W-what?” He’d gone a little pale.

“I’m serious. I bet I can see something more from the tree.” He looked hesitant. “Oh come on. I just want to check.”

“What if you fall...?” He almost whispered it.

“Won’t.” You grinned at him. “Or you can just make sure to catch me if I do.”

Red dusted his cheeks and you could see sweat starting to glint on his skin again. He was so... cute. Yeah. Cute. You let out a soft, exasperated sigh and swatted the useless thoughts away. “Come on. There’s enough snow to catch me if you drop me.” It wasn’t quite true but maybe he wasn’t as familiar with snow as you were.

“Okay.” He didn’t sound like he was really okay with it but he removed his mittens then crouched and linked his hands for you to step into anyways.

You tucked your mittens into your jacket before you stepped into his hand. “Just throw me up, okay? I’ll be ready.”

You rested a hand on his shoulder for balance and felt him coiling like a spring below you. When he lunged to his feet the movement was so powerful that you almost weren’t ready for it. You just managed to leap up and get your arms around a snowy branch. You hung there for a split-second before you started to swing back and forth. You hooked one leg around the branch (after several failed tries and some worried noises from beneath you) then after that it wasn't too difficult to squirm around until you came to rest on top of the branch. You sat up with a whoop and flung your arms into the air.

“Thank god,” Bertolt almost sighed the words in relief.

You leaned over to grin at him. “Oh come on. How often do you get to be the short one?”

His mouth fell open as he stared up at you. You smirked and purposely flicked a little snow down onto him as you got carefully to your feet. He flinched away.

“Watch out for me, kay?” You called as you stepped up onto another branch. 

Now that you were up there were lots of branches within easy reach but it was still worth being careful. Ice hidden under the snow was a real possibility. But it wasn’t long before you could see far enough between the bushy branches to find the clearing. A little to the right of where you’d thought. You stood there for a while and fixed a few more landmarks in your mind before you started back down. Everything was fine until you got back to the lowest branch. You crouched on it and looked down. It looked a lot further from this direction. You found yourself missing your gear a great deal.

Bertolt was still staring up at you with worried eyes. 

“I found it!” You called down cheerfully. “See that tooth-shaped outcropping on the mountain over there? We just have to head straight for that.”

He didn’t look away and his expression didn’t change.

“Um, Bertolt?” You tried a hopeful smile. “Don’t suppose you do want to catch me if I fall? I promise not to kick you in the head.”

A little sigh escaped his lips and he stepped over so he was almost under you. You slid down until your legs were dangling off the branch then wiggled back until you were resting on your stomach. As you were shifting your weight from your torso to your hands some of the loose bark finally gave under your grasping fingers. You scrabbled at it for a few milliseconds then fell with a yelp. Right into Bertolt’s arms.

He set you on your feet and unwound his arms from around your waist. “What,” his voice was low and close behind you, “would we have done if you’d sprained your ankle, too?”

You laughed, nervous energy tearing through your veins, and stepped away toward your things. “I didn’t though.”

It was a moment before you heard his boots crunching through the snow after you. You strapped your skis back on and grabbed your pack before retrieving your poles. You stepped out in front again then paused and turned back to look at the tall, dark haired man. “Thanks for catching me, Bertolt.”

He ducked his head and mumbled a soft, “You’re welcome.”

As you slid your ski forward you couldn’t help feeling like the entire day had been on again off again awkwardness. It was probably you. You worried at your lip a little and decided not to dwell on it.


	2. Falling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You and Bertolt have some adventures and get to know each other a little better as you make your way back to the winter training camp.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for coming back for chapter two! If you just want the fluff then this is gonna be the chapter you want to stop on (I ended up combining the original third chapter with this one since it was super short). If you're in it for the long haul I'm going to be trying to update at least once a week, probably on Thursdays.
> 
> Warnings: Mentions of animal attacks, tree wells.

The faint glow of the sun behind the clouds showed that it was just shy of noon when you glided out of the trees and into a wide clearing. A small wooden cabin stood at its centre. You slid up to the door and stopped with a flourish. It seemed to be a deserted trappers cabin of some sort. You heard Bertolt ski to a stop behind you and turned to beam at him. “Just in time for lunch!”

He smiled a little then took off his skis and propped them up by the door beside yours. Inside wasn’t any warmer than outside but it was easy to light a fire in the small cast-iron stove with the supplies some kind person had left in the box beside it. You set him to digging your lunches out of the packs as you used flint and steel to get a spark into the tinder then coaxed it into a proper flame. You flopped down bonelessly onto the rough planks that served as a floor and took your time feeding larger and larger pieces of wood to the tiny fire until it could sustain itself.

“Here.” Bertolt crouched beside you and held out your lunch tin. You took it with a grateful smile and set it in your lap while you put the bread on top of the stove to toast. He’d already taken off his jacket and hung it by the door. You weren’t quite that warm yet so you kept yours on. He brought in a bucket of snow to melt for drinking then sat down beside you. You ate in companionable silence in front of the warming stove. 

When you’d finished you tucked the tiny spoon back into the tin and sighed. “So, should we head back?” You were staring at the fire but you could just see his head turning to look at you from the edge of your vision. 

“A-are you sure? You haven’t even taken off your jacket.” Bertolt’s fingers were playing with his empty tin, quick and uncertain.

“If we leave now we can probably get back long before dark,” you said as you looked down at yourself. Taking off your jacket hadn't even crossed your mind. The cabin was kind of drafty and the stove was only doing so much. You looked up at him, expression quizzical. “How are you so warm?”

“I just run a bit hot...” He busied himself putting his empty tin away.

You couldn't stop yourself from reaching out and touching his arm. He froze. It was true, even through the fabric of his shirt his skin felt hot against your cool fingertips.

“Oh wow.” You pouted at him. “That is so not fair.”

Bertolt just stared at you. Eyes wide and somehow almost... empty.

“I just... I mean, where I grew up was cold like this. So, it would have been nice to be warmer sometimes...” You let your hand drop to the floor but you could still feel his tension snapping in the air between you. You bit your lip and looked away. 

“Oh.” He let out a breath you hadn’t realized he was holding. “... I could see that.”

You bounced to your feet. “So, ready to go?”

He got up more slowly. “Yeah.”

You took a deep drink of water from the bucket then offered it to Bertolt. He shook his head so you used the rest to put out the fire. The tall man stood beside the door watching you, already prepared to go. “Where...” he paused then tried again, “Where are you from?”

You poked the fire around until you were sure there were no live coals left. “A little mountain town in Rose to the east of Trost.”

“Oh.”

You got to your feet and stowed your lunch tin in your pack before putting it on.

“Close to where Connie is from?” 

You gave him a soft smile to thank him for trying so hard. He probably didn’t want to spend the journey back in awkward silence any more than you did. “A little closer to Karanese. We spent half of each year up on the slopes hunting and trapping animals.” You grabbed the flag left by your instructors to prove you’d found the goal and stuffed it into your pack before heading outside.

He followed you back outside and you shut the cabin door and gave it a shake to check that the latch had caught. Then you tossed your skis down on the snow and crouched to strap the waxed pieces of wood back onto your boots. “So, you wanna join the Military Police, Bertolt?”

“Uh, yeah, Reiner and I are both going to try for it.”

You stood and grabbed your poles. “Do you have much experience skiing?”

He shook his head as he finished buckling his bindings. “Not really.”

You smirked. “Wanna try and be the first ones back?”

He frowned at you. “But it took us so long to get out here...”

You widened your stance and stomped a ski down on the snow. “Most of the fresh snow’s blown away here so it's firm enough to skate back to the ridge pretty easily.” 

“Skate?” He gave you a blank look.

“Watch.” You set one of your skis at an angle then pushed off hard from it using your poles to get extra speed. You lifted the first ski free of the snow as you slid forward on the second then lowered it again and shifted your weight over, raising the second ski into the air as you moved. In moments you’d picked up a fast, steady rhythm, switching off between your skis and pushing with your poles every other step. You slid to a stop and looked back. Bertolt was watching you, fascinated.

You stepped around in a circle and skated back to him. “Did you see what I was doing?”

He nodded. “Yes.”

“Think you can do it?”

“Yes.” He pushed off, slowly at first as he got the hang of shifting from ski to ski. You shot off after him and by the time you’d moved in front again he was doing pretty well for himself. You settled into a rhythm of sliding and pushing. Before you knew it you were back on the ridge. 

You braced your poles in the snow and leaned on them as you sucked in deep breaths of the cold air trying to calm your pulse. Bertolt wasn’t far behind you with those long legs of his and after a few minutes he slid to a stop beside you. 

He was smiling a little and not winded in the slightest. “You were right. That was much faster.”

You smiled back with your eyes as you panted, “You make me feel so out of shape...”

He laughed, a gentle sound. “You’re not.”

You shook your head and straightened, almost recovered. “This is why you’re gonna be top ten.”

He blinked. “No, I’m not that-”

“Bullshit.” You rolled your eyes at him. “I’ve watched you train with the 3DMG. You’re amazing.”

He blushed a little. “It’s not really anything... I mean, I don’t really...”

You punched him in the arm just hard enough for him to feel it. “By which you mean you don’t know how to take a damn complement. Life is way too short, Bertolt, especially in the army.”

His face froze for just a moment and you saw an echo of that empty expression again.

You sighed and rubbed your mitten over your face. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what you’ve been through and the way I talk is pretty careless.” You looked up to find him staring at you and frowning like he didn’t quite know what to make of you. “But you want a good score and this kind of territory is my speciality so I’m gonna get you back first if it kills me.” You realized what you’d just said and winced but he didn’t seem to notice this time.

“You keep talking about my score...” He swallowed. “What about yours?”

You shrugged. “Doesn’t matter.”

“But don’t you want to join the Military Police, too? Aren’t you afraid of the titans?” He was beginning to slouch a little, curling in on himself.

“Course I am!” You laughed and his face became even more perplexed. “But there’s lots of things besides titans to fear in life. And lots of other scary ways to die.” You stomped the snow off your skis. “And we’ve got a ways to go yet.” You looked around until you’d fixed your landmarks again and pushed off. “Come on.”

He followed you.

The snow soon became too deep to skate on so you picked a route that was a steep enough that you could ski down it. You were about halfway back to the camp when there was a girlish yelp and the near-silent hiss of snow giving way behind you. You skidded to a stop and looked back. Bertolt was nowhere to be seen. You herringboned your way back up the slope, skis angled out to either side in a y-shape so their edges held you on the snow instead of just letting you slide backward, as fast as you could. 

A soft groan of pain came from somewhere in the whiteness.

“Bertolt?!” You scanned the area in front of you.

“Here!” The muffled voice came from your right. After a moment your eyes managed to pick out the faint shadows where his tracks split from yours over the sea of white. They led straight into a tree well.

“Hey, are you okay?” You fell to your knees and peered under the branches and over the edge.

Bertolt lay sprawled on his back in the deep hole by the tree’s trunk, skis in the air, mostly covered in powder. From the difference in height you guessed the snow you were on was at least a good five feet deep. He looked up at you with worried eyes. “I don’t think I’m very good at turning...”

You let out a relieved laugh and stuck your poles out of the way so you could get his skis off. “Can you get up?” You set the skis aside then reached down and offer him your hand.

He used the trunk to push himself to a sitting position. “I think so...?” He reached up and took your hand.

You pulled as hard as you could and only had a split-second of warning, the faintest of creaking sounds, before the crust under you gave. The mini-avalanche spilled you down on top of him in a fresh wave of powder that nearly buried him. You landed face-first on his chest. You tried to scramble back but your skis had caught in the snow at odd angles and you couldn’t seem to move. You swore into the front of his jacket as your movements packed the cold powder around your face and it stung where it touched your warm skin.

“Hold still.” Bertolt grabbed one of your ankles and bent your leg back until he could reach your ski and get it off of you. He did the same for the other. 

“I’m really sorry, Bertolt.” You sat back and brushed yourself off then started brushing him off, too. He grabbed one of your wrists in his hand.

“I’m the one who fell in here.” He was smiling shyly at you. 

“And then I fell on top of you!” You blushed and his smile widened a little. “And I know better,” you sighed. “We’re just lucky this one is so open. You can die in these things, you know.”

He helped you to your feet and you half-wormed and half floundered your way up the edge of the tree well and back to the surface. Trying to use your body weight to pack the powdery, slippery snow down just enough that you could get on top of it without falling through again proved difficult. More so than you remembered from childhood. Bertholt had gotten back to his feet as well and grabbed you around your waist to give you a boost. You rolled back out onto the crust and took a moment to just lay there and breathe before figuring out what your next step was. You knew that if you tried to stand you’d likely be waist-deep again in an instant. 

Bertholt was leaning over to look at you. “Hey...” He wasn’t smiling anymore. “Before, when you said there’s lots of scary ways to die, what did you mean?”

You frowned at him. “Don’t you want to get back?”

He looked away. “It won’t take that long, will it?”

You sighed and stretched a hand out toward him. “No. But pass me the skis and poles while I tell you.” He obliged and you sat up, slowly. “When I was small my mother used to take me out to check the traplines with her. One time I wandered off when she was resetting one of the traps, thinking I could follow a rabbit’s tracks back to its burrow and maybe its mate.” You stabbed the last ski into the snow and smiled crookedly at Bertholt. “Instead I found a pack of wolves.”

He let out a small distressed sound.

You looked away again, embarrassed by the pity on his face. “Luckily it wasn’t a big pack. And I’d left a clear enough trail that my mother found me while they were still closing in on me, testing their prey. She shot one. He had me by the ankle and had just started worrying my leg. Didn’t want to give up a tender bit of meat without a fight, I guess.” You reached down and brushed your fingers over the ankle in question. “She’s convinced I was playing dead because I didn’t start screaming until after she’d shot him and the others had fled — that works on bears sometimes, you know — but the truth is I was just to damn scared to move.”

“So you know then. What it’s like to be hunted...” Bertolt’s eyes were far away when you glanced up at him sharply.

“I do.” You grabbed one of your skis and rolled onto your side so you could strap it on. The snow crunched under you a little but held. “And I figure I owe death one. So I had better get out there and make myself into a predator before I waste away or get eaten for real.”

When Bertolt looked at you this time his gaze held so many conflicting emotions that you didn’t even try to decipher them. You just swallowed and let your smile snap back onto your lips as you secured the buckle. You were reaching for the second one when he spoke.

“But, why would you want to put yourself in that position again?”

You glanced back at his sad green eyes and let the frown you felt brewing pull your eyebrows together. “Just because I don’t put myself in danger doesn’t mean it won’t find me anyway. And next time I stare into the eyes of something that wants to tear my throat out I will do more than jut lay there while it takes a fucking chunk out of me,” the words poured hot and vicious from your lips and you paused to calm yourself before continuing. “That’s why I’m here. Now, hurry up and get out of there. We’re losing time.” 

The memories were old, they usually didn’t bother you anymore. You buckled on your second ski with angry, jerky movements then looked over to find Bertolt with one leg up on the crust and the other buried up to his hip. You sighed and heaved yourself up into a kneeling position on your skis. Once you were steady you leaned over and grabbed him by the shoulders so you could help haul him onto the more stable snow. After a few minutes of kicking and wiggling he was free. He lay on his back next to you.

He looked up at you. He was sweating again and you patted his cheeks and forehead dry with the back of your mitten. “Hey, Bertolt, have you ever watched someone die?”

His eyes went wide and panicked and you shook off your mitten to lay a gentle, soothing hand on his cheek. Wall Maria. You were a fucking idiot. “Oh, shh. Shh. Sorry. Oh, Bertolt, I’m so sorry. Forget it.” You started to pull back.

He lay his hand on top of yours. “Yes,” he breathed it so low that you had to lean in closer to hear, “I’ve seen what the titans do.”

“It wasn’t titans. Or wolves. But I’ve seen it, too. A wasting sickness.” You let the ghost of a smile tug at your lips as you stroked your thumb along his warm cheekbone, trying to ease away the last glimmers of terror in his gaze. 

His hand squeezed yours. “I’m sorry.”

You gave him a small smile. “It wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t anyone’s fault. But I got to thinking that there are no guarantees. So I might as well do what I want. And I want to see the world outside. That’s... That’s why I’m really here.”

“I... don’t really have any initiative of my own.” He admitted. He was frowning again. “I never have. So... I can’t make a decision like that. I just... I just want to stay alive and go home to my village some day.” 

“Is that why you stick with Reiner?”

He nodded a little and you pulled at your hand gently until he released it. You brushed his dark hair back from his forehead before you put your mitten back on. It took a minute but you managed to lever yourself cautiously up onto your feet. Your skis settled firmly onto the snow instead of crashing through again. You sighed in relief. “It’s good to know who you are. Stick your foot up.”

He did as you asked and you strapped on both his skis for him then braced yourself and held out your hands. He took them and somehow, between the two of you, you got him back onto his feet as well. He didn’t let go of your hands though, just held on and looked down at them.

“Bertolt?” You looked up into his face trying to catch his eyes with yours.

“I _do_ know who I am.” He squeezed your hands until it hurt a little, even through the thick mittens. 

You resisted the urge to flinch and squeezed back.

His eyes rose until their gaze settled on your mouth. “But still, I envy you...”

You smiled and tugged at his hands. “A crazy girl who almost got eaten by a wolves?”

“You’re not crazy.” He breathed. His soft eyes held an intensity you’d not seen before in their pale green depths. You felt a flutter in your stomach.

“Thanks...” You slid forward to close the distance between you and looked up at him feeling that damned blush spread over your cheeks again. His expression was so determined and there was something about the stubborn set of his lips... you couldn’t help yourself. “Can I... um, can I kiss you, Bertolt?”

He blinked then smiled a small, secret, surprised sort of smile. “...Yes?”

“Get down here then.” You smiled back to take any sting out of your words.

The tall man bent down until the tip of his nose was hovering just in front of yours. “Like this?”

“Yes.” You leaned up to press your lips against his. He didn’t resist even when you nipped at his full lower lip, a silent plea for him to part his lips. He obliged, and as you slid your tongue into his hot mouth he let out a soft moan that sent the butterflies in your stomach off in a dizzy spiral straight through your core. You explored his mouth slowly, enjoying the feeling of his tongue tentatively pushing back against yours. You didn’t pull back until you were almost desperate for air.

He let out a soft sigh. You struggled to get your head back on your shoulders and out of the haze of lust wrapped around you. You realized with a deeper blush that you wanted nothing more than to push Bertolt back into that tree well and stay there all night. Cold and snow be damned.

“We should go.” His deep voice was almost husky now.

“Yeah.” You slid your hands free of his and shuffled over to your poles. You pushed your mittens through the straps attached to the grips then turned back to look at him. He was watching you, still standing where you’d left him. “Bertolt...”

He smiled again. You felt something in your chest crumble into sweet pain.

“Bertolt.” You took a couple of sliding steps back to his side. You grabbed his poles and shoved them into his hands. “Here. Be more careful with your turns, okay? You can slow down if you need to. I’ll wait.” His face fell a little but he took them.

No. That hadn’t been what you’d meant to say at all. You shuffled around uncomfortably while he finished getting ready. “B-Bertolt...?” 

“Yeah?” He refused to make eye contact and just stood there fiddling with the straps of his own poles.

You took a deep breath and tried to put all your confused emotions into your voice at once. “Thank you.” You found that you couldn’t make eye contact either and pushed off with your poles. “And you stay well away from the trees!”

You heard him moving to follow as you started to glide down the hill. The wind came up behind you and you thought you heard a soft, “You’re welcome,” carried on it. You turned your face up to catch the cool wind but were pretty sure there was no way you’d ever be able to get all the red out of your cheeks after today.

  


* * *

  


Bertolt did not fall into any other tree wells. Neither did you. You both made it down the steeper part of the hill without any further accidents. Even better, when you reached the valley bottom you found a path clear enough that you could skate almost the entire way back. When you slid into the training camp there were no other pairs of skis on the rack yet except for your poor injured partner’s. 

“We did it!” You gave Bertolt a triumphant smile as you hung your poles up.

He smiled back a little before crouching to take off his skis. You did the same then walked over to Instructor Shadis’s office together to turn in your flag. To your delight when he checked your names off the list he confirmed that you were indeed the first cadets back. As you left the office you found two other groups who’d just returned. One was the group you’d started out with. 

Bertolt immediately started toward them but you stopped him with a light tug at his sleeve. “Hey.”

He looked down at you. “What is it?”

You forced yourself to meet his eyes. “Can I ask something of you?”

He nodded, smile soft but encouraging. 

Your heart faltered but you forced the words out of your mouth anyway. “We’re going back to the main camp tomorrow. So if you have some free time... meet me behind the equipment shed tomorrow night after chores? But o-only if you w-want to,” you trailed off and stared fixedly at his shoulder. You hoped the other cadets were too concerned with getting checked off the list to notice how red you were.

“Okay,” his voice was soft and you flicked your eyes up then glanced away the second you caught his. You thought his cheeks might be a little red but you weren’t sure.

“Okay,” you almost whispered it and let him go. “See you then.”

His hand caught yours just long enough to squeeze it before he jogged over to Reiner. You scuttled off to your cabin and didn’t dare show your face again until dinner time. It took more than an hour before you could talk to anyone without brushing your fingertips over your cheeks every minute or two to check for the heat of a blush.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I have nothing but respect for wolves and I know they usually prefer to stay away from humans. But, as the attack happened in an isolated area in winter (when prey is harder to come by) and the human in question was outnumbered and only a child I feel that an attack would not be completely out of the question. Please don’t hate me.
> 
> And I haven't done a lot of cross-country skiing in years (I'm a snowshoe kinda girl) so if I've messed anything up please let me know so I can fix it.
> 
> [On Tumblr.](http://wingedmermaid.tumblr.com/post/84495095247/changing-seasons-by-wingedmermaid-ao3-ch-2)


	3. How to read a map

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You meet up with Bertolt for the first time after returning to the main training camp.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh shit it's already Friday... Sorry! I'm a bit of a mess this week but I'll try to keep things together better in the future. This chapter is one of the shortest so my apologies for that as well. I'll try to make it up with the next few.
> 
> And thank you all for the kudos! I had no idea so many of you would be interested in a BertoltxReader fic! I hope you're enjoying it!

The next evening you found yourself shivering behind the equipment shed clutching several tubes of maps against your chest. 

Earlier you’d been sitting outside the barracks reviewing your strategy textbook when Bertolt and Reiner had walked by. Reiner had been quizzing Bertolt on how your group had managed to come in first. Bertolt had quietly replied that it seemed that you were quite good with maps. To be honest you were pretty sure it was only because Sasha, who’d been in Mikasa’s group and the first to return after yours, had slowed them down by insisting on trying to set snares for rabbits along the trail as they went and had to be physically restrained from poaching. Repeatedly. Although it was nice to hear, anyway. 

But after that your brain had been racing so fast all day that your stomach started to hurt. At some point you realized that you hadn’t said anything about why you wanted to meet. So while you had been struggling not to blush like a schoolgirl he might have only thought you were making good on your earlier offer to teach him to read maps. 

Or maybe he just wouldn’t show up at all. It wasn’t like you knew each other very well. One kiss didn’t mean anything.

You sighed. 

“Hey,” a low voice whispered your name and you felt your whole body sag in relief.

“Bertolt! Hi!” You straightened and turned a sunny smile on the tall man who’d snuck up behind you. 

He stopped and just stared at you for a minute. “Oh...”

Your smile faltered. “I-is something wrong?”

He shook his head. “No, nothing. Um...” His gaze dropped to the tubes you were holding. 

“Oh,” You felt a flush starting to burn up your cheeks. “I... I didn’t know if you still wanted to practice using maps or not?”

Bertolt nodded a bit awkwardly. “If that’s what you want...”

It was not. But you didn’t want to be a complete creep. You cleared your throat softly. “Would you mind if we went somewhere warmer though?”

He looked at you again and frowned slightly when you couldn’t hold back a particularly strong shiver. “How long have you been waiting here?”

You glanced away. Almost an hour because you’d been afraid you’d be late. “Not so long. Um, I think the barn is probably empty now...”

“Okay,” was all he said in reply. 

Bertolt let you lead the way and trailed along beside you, one step behind. You tried to slow down a little so he’d catch up but he held his position. Eventually you gave it up as a bad job and quickened your pace, eager to be out of the cold. When you reached the barn you slipped inside and walked over to the ladder that led up to the hayloft. There hadn’t actually been any hay up there for years as the lack of pasture made it far too precious of a commodity to leave scattered about in piles and all the hay bales were kept in the pest-proof storage sheds alongside the rest of the food supplies now.

“Up there?” Bertolt stepped up beside you and regarded the ladder with the tiniest of smiles.

“Oh, um...” The blush went right up to the tip of your ears as you stared up the ladder to the dark hayloft. “Shit.”

Bertolt laughed soft and nervous and you smiled ruefully at him. “I swear I don’t have any bad intentions!” It was a dirty lie but when you’d mentioned the barn you’d honestly only been thinking about the warmth, not the isolation. “My sisters and I used to hide up in the town hayloft whenever we wanted to skip out on winter chores.”

“I believe you.” Bertolt, still smiling a little, grabbed the ladder in one hand to steady it. “After you.”

You tucked the tubes under one of your arms and started up the ladder. You could hear him following as you crawled onto the rough wooden slats that made up the platform. A quick glance around showed you exactly what you wanted. A shuttered window on the front wall of the barn that let strips of wavering torchlight into the loft. You set the tubes down before opening the shutters a crack to let more light in. Then you pulled a handkerchief containing a couple of thick candle stubs and some bits of dull metal for them to sit on out from your jacket pocket. 

The floor creaked as Bertolt stepped over and settled down a small distance from you. He watched you set up and light the candles. When he made a move to help you jerked back and he was forced to grab and steady a candle that you’d just nearly knocked over with your elbow.

“You’re nervous,” he stated as he carefully released the chunk of wax. When you glanced at him his brows were furrowed.

You took a deep breath to steady yourself. “I’m sorry.”

“Why?” Bertolt turned those soft green eyes of his on you. The candlelight made them flicker like they were on fire. 

You busied yourself selecting a map tube and carefully pulling out the paper contained within. “When- when I asked you to meet me, what did you expect?”

He was silent for a minute while you carefully spread the paper out and pinned the edges down with some of the other tubes.

“I-” He paused and you glanced over at the tall man. He was looking down so his face was partially hidden in the flickering shadows. “I enjoyed talking with you the other day. I thought... maybe we could talk more.”

“You did?” You couldn’t stop the smile that curved your lips. 

“Yeah...” Bertolt still didn’t look up.

You began to laugh and his head jerked up. He looked confused. You scooted closer to him and leaned so you shoulder was just touching his arm. He stiffened but didn’t move away. “I was nervous because I wanted to spend more time with you. And I thought maybe you only wanted map reading lessons because there’s no way you could want to spend time with me.” 

He turned his head so he could give you a concerned look. “Why would you think that?”

You shrugged. “I guess... even simple things become complicated if you think about them too much.”

“I’m tempted to tell you to spend more time with Armin,” he murmured as he adjusted his position so he was leaning against you a little, too.

You snuggled up closer against his warm side. “Why?”

“He thinks himself out of corners, not into them,” Bertolt’s reprimand was gentle so you just smiled back at him. His hand, resting on the floor near your knee, moved toward you a little then stopped. 

You reached out and took it in yours. “Naw, he’s nice but I’d rather spend time with you.” The hand in yours twitched and you laced your fingers in between his. He didn’t try and stop you. “Still want to learn how to navigate?”

“...Yeah.” He was staring at your linked hands. “It seems to be a useful skill.”

You reached out your free hand and pulled the map closer. “Okay, so, can you recognize what area this is? We’ve trained there before...”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Visit me on Tumblr.](http://wingedmermaid.tumblr.com/post/85256536902/changing-seasons-by-wingedmermaid-ao3-ch-3)


	4. Training

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> During training you end up helping with gear repair and clean-up with Bertolt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oookay, so maybe I'm updating on Fridays now. My apologies for being such a slacker. Thank you again to everyone who's left kudos <3

As the weather warmed up Instructor Shadis began taking the 104th to a rundown part of a nearby town to practice timed 3DMG maneuvers on buildings. Coloured targets had been hung between a number of the roofs. The objective was to locate and cut as many of the targets as you could while making your way across the town in the shortest time possible. He’d had you do practice runs for several days before the target locations had been changed for your official assessment and scoring.

You were second in line now at the beginning of the course, slowly bouncing back and forth on the balls of your feet. The signal flare went up from the end of the course and in front of you Jean launched himself into motion. You hated individual tests. You stepped up to the edge and looked down. And everything felt different when down was just cobbles and walls instead of bushes and mud. But if you were gonna join the Corps you’d have to deal with manuvering through the old cities in Maria on every expedition. You sucked in a long breath and braced yourself. 

When the signal flare went up for you — a cheerful green plume — you leapt into the air and fired your 3DMG. You did have to admit that it was much simpler to swing your way over roofs and between buildings than it was to navigate safely through uneven tree branches. The targets were brightly coloured so it wasn’t hard to spot them so long as you kept swinging up high in between each grapple point. 

When you reached the end you stumbled to a stop on the roof and took a moment to catch your breath. 

“Not bad. How many did you get?” Sasha’s voice was as bright and cheerful as ever as you cleared the landing zone and moved to join the other ten or so trainees standing off to the side. 

You smiled at her as you answered, “Ten.”

“There were thirteen,” Jean huffed from off to the side. “You missed three.”

“Did you get them all?” you asked curiously.

“He missed one, too,” Sasha snickered. Jean just gave you both a withering look before turning away to watch the next participant. Annie, predictably, was as thorough as she was quick and hit every target perfectly. You applauded politely as she made a graceful landing on the final roof. 

“Hey, trainees!” One of the assistant instructors trotted up to you. “Now that thirteen of you are finished your assessment Shadis wants you to go relieve the soldiers who’ve been replacing the targets. One to a target. Targets change every five recruits. The course is empty right at the moment so get going.”

You all yelled affirmatives and then it was momentary chaos as you all took off at once. Not being the fastest meant that you didn’t get to an unclaimed target until about halfway up the course. When you did you skidded to a landing by the anchor cord tethered in the middle of the street and waved on the remaining trainees. Several of them were acquaintances of yours and made rude faces or gestures at you as they passed. 

You looked around and found several replacement targets waiting and a rather obviously placed kit for patching the two targets that had already been taken out of action. The bang of another flare went off in the distance and you picked up the repair kit and went to work on the nearest sliced-up target. It was going to be a long afternoon.

The soft shriek of cables winding in was the only warning you had before someone thumped down beside you. You looked up and grinned at the tall man who slowly walked over to you. “Bertolt!” That meeting behind the equipment shed had been the first of many. Four months later it had almost become a ritual but by tacit agreement you tried to keep your public interactions to the level of acquaintances.

He looked around, taking in the situation. “You’re the first target that doesn’t have two people manning it yet.”

You smiled happily. “Lucky me! We still have two more trainees until we switch it out. Want to help me repair this one?”

He stepped over and crouched beside you to examine the mangled target. “Okay.”

You passed him some leather then set the jar of glue and a wide paintbrush between you. You worked in quiet silence as another trainee shot by over your heads. Then you stood and stretched out your back. “This’ll be way easier with two of us.” He stood as well and watched as you waited for the next trainee to pass before untying the anchor rope and letting the target down one hand at a time. 

“What can I do?” he asked.

“Bring one of those good targets over, would you?” When you’d gotten the ragged target down you pushed it out of the way and helped him tie the new one in its place. Then Bertolt hauled it back up using the anchor rope. He didn’t seem to need your help so you just carried the old target over to the repair kit then sat back to watch his muscles work until he bent to tie it off.

The pattern continued until a couple more trainees had come to join you. After the final trainee ran the course another assistant instructor flew by and shouted instructions for the clean up. You and Bertolt took to the roof to take down the cables supporting the target while the other trainees began carrying targets to the wagons parked down the street.

You used one of your wires to hang from the edge of the roof so you could work the knots at your end of the two support cables free. It took a little while, the swinging of the targets had put a lot of pressure on the knots so they were pretty firm now. When you finally pried them loose you held them in one hand and looked across the street. Bertolt was still working on his. 

“I’m done, Bertolt!” You called across to him. He waved a hand in the air to acknowledge your words. You began to let yourself down, worried that if you just let the cables go they might snap tighter on Bertolt’s end. 

As you let your gear slowly wind out you let your thoughts wander to things more important to you. There were only a few months left until the graduation ceremony. You’d been meeting Bertolt a couple times each week for months now. You sighed. It was going to be a lonely first few months in the Corps. 

“Watch out!!” 

You looked up at the to see something hurtling down the slanted cables at you. You yelped and let them go but you were just a little too slow and the metal bracket that had been supporting the target between the two wires hit the wall below you so hard that it crushed bricks, sending fragments flying in all directions. When you jerked away to try and cover your face as the fragments cut into your skin you felt your wire give. Then you were falling. You had enough presence of mind to grab for the launcher of your other wire but there was no time, you were too close to the ground, you tried to decide how best to land as you braced for impact—

And then there were arms around you. Bertolt landed cleanly and set you on your feet. You looked over to see the mess of brick dust and metal and the mangled roof tile that was still stuck to the grapple at the end of your wire all in a messy pile on the cobbles a few feet away. 

“Hey, breathe.” Bertolt’s voice was low in your ear and he hadn’t let go yet so you didn’t either. His body was warm and reassuring against yours.

You took a deep breath.

Bertolt took a step back, releasing you. 

“Thank you,” you said softly and tried an embarrassed smile at him. 

“You should be more careful,” he murmured in a low tone. The other trainees came back around a corner and he turned away and began rolling up the cables as if nothing had happened. You walked over and extracted your grapple from the tile and retracted the attached wire then picked up the heavy metal bracket. Luckily both it and the pulleys that hung from it seemed to be undamaged. It hadn't even crossed your mind that it might not have been firmly attached. You trudged over to the wagon and set it carefully in with the targets. By the time you returned to your post your heart rate had calmed and the others had finished packing up everything else. You let the other trainees walk ahead of you and drifted close to Bertolt as he fell behind to match your pace.

He reached out and stroke a long finger across your cheek. “You’re bleeding.”

“Oh.” You lowered your eyes so you could scan the ground in front of your feet in an effort to not add tripping over your feet to the list of stupid things you’d done that day. It was definitely not to keep yourself from giving into the temptation to just stare at him. Definitely not. “Um, I-I’ll go wash up when we get back.” 

“I can get some salve from the medical office?” Out of the corner of your eye you saw him staring at his finger then glancing down at his jacket and pants like he wasn’t sure what to do with the blood smeared on it. He settled on licking it clean. 

You had to restrain the urge to laugh. Maybe he didn’t have a handkerchief or anything on him today. “Okay. You gonna help me apply it?”

“Yes,” his voice was still soft but when you glanced over he was watching you with eyes that were strangely serious. You felt a shiver travel down your spine. You smiled and rubbed the back of your hand over you cheek in an attempt to clean away the blood. Apparently all it did was smear the stuff around though because he just sighed, licked his finger again, and began cleaning your face as you walked.

“Ew!” You laughed and tried to dodge but he just waited until the other trainees had turned a corner before capturing your jaw in a large hand and spit polishing the rest of your cheek as you squirmed. You couldn’t get free until a questioning voice called your names from around the corner and he released you abruptly. You darted ahead to the corner to call that you were coming. When you looked back to check on him he was walking toward you with a strangely peaceful expression on his face. You smiled softly. If it meant you could see him like that more often you could definitely put up with the occasional gross spit bath.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Come visit me on Tumblr.](http://wingedmermaid.tumblr.com/post/85930323147/changing-seasons-by-wingedmermaid-ao3-ch-4)


	5. Cleaning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You get in a bit of an altercation over cleaning in the evening and end up being late for a meeting with Bertolt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're reading this thank you for sticking with me this far! This story has been giving me a lot of trouble and while I think I have things sorted I'm not 100% sure yet... *sigh* One of us is going to beat the other into submission eventually. But anyway, please enjoy and do feel free to leave any comments/criticism. I don't bite :)

That evening you found yourself hustling Armin to finish evening cleaning duty because you were going to be late. Hannah had already ducked out (to meet Franz no doubt) after finishing her part so it was just the two of you. Unfortunately, there was a thing or two about Armin that you hadn’t known.

“No, I-I’m sorry, but I really can’t,” Armin tried to back away but you had already herded him up against a row of desks. 

“Come _on_ ,” You shoved the broom into the petite blond’s hands for about the fifth time. “I swept all the classrooms already. It’s just the entryway!”

“And I told you that I’m allergic!” Armin pushed it back at you as colour began to rise in his pale cheeks. 

You squinted at him suspiciously. “Are you sure? For such a smart kid it seems a little suspicious that you forgot to mention it until _after_ I’d done half of the low-dust chores. Sure it’s not just ‘cause you’ve got everyone else suckered into doing them for you?”

He narrowed his sky-blue eyes and yanked the cleaning scarf tighter around his face. “Are _you_ sure you want everyone to know that you and Bertolt keep disappearing at the same time in the evenings?” 

You gaped. But of course he knew. Armin saw everything. You snapped your mouth shut and tightened your grip on the broom until your knuckles went white. In the meantime his face had morphed from anger to startled worry as if he couldn’t believe the words that had come out of his own mouth. 

“Fine. I’ll sweep,” you growled and his expression eased toward relief. “But _you_ are gonna wash those desks until they sparkle. If I’m working late so are you.”

“I really am allergic...” he sighed sadly as you set off to finish the sweeping as fast as humanly possible.

“You have a goddamned wet towel over your face, Armin!” You called back over your shoulder.

“It still gets through!” He yelled back and you scowled at the dirt on the floor like it had mortally insulted you. 

It didn’t actually take that long but you were a dusty mess when you stalked back to the classroom. Armin was just putting away his cleaning things. The desks really were almost sparkling. You sighed as you removed the cloth covering your own mouth and used the clean side to wipe at your face and hands. “Done?”

“Ah!” Armin whirled around. “Oh, yes...” He looked kind of embarrassed now. Was that a blush on his cheeks? “I-I wouldn’t really tell, you know.”

You gave him a small smile as you shook out your hair at a safe distance. “I’m sorry, too. I was an ass.”

He smiled sheepishly. “And I should have told you before we started. Truce?”

“Truce.” You walked past him and put the broom and dustpan back in the supply closet. He waited for you and you walked out of the building together. You paused where the path split between the girls and boys dormitories. 

“Hey, Armin?” The smaller boy stopped and looked up at you, blue eyes luminous in the last rays of the sun. “How long have you known?”

He smiled. “Well, I wondered when I saw you acting so weird after the orienteering training. Then Bertolt started sneaking away some nights. And when I was talking with Mikasa a few weeks ago she mentioned you were as well. I just... put two and two together.”

You felt the blush suffuse your face. “Of course.” 

“It’s okay. He’s always kind of withdrawn, so, anything that cheers him up is okay with me.” Armin rubbed at the back of his neck. “Just... don’t get caught, okay? I don’t want him getting in trouble.”

You smiled. “Even if we do I’ll make sure to take the blame. Everyone knows he almost never does anything without being told to.”

Armin laughed softly. “Yeah. That’s true.” His clever eyes caught yours again. “So... does that mean you have to order him around when you’re... you know?”

One of your eyebrows shot up. “What? No! _Armin! _Since when are you a perv?!”__

__Armin went red. “I- I was just curious...”_ _

__You couldn’t help the laughter that came bubbling out of your mouth. He mumbled something embarrassed under his breath and you bumped your shoulder against his in a friendly sort of way. “I might try it though.”_ _

__His blue eyes went wide and you could have sworn you could see steam rising off of him._ _

__“I’m joking,” you laughed, “joking!”_ _

__But as you said goodnight and made your way to the shed as quietly as you could you wondered if you had been. Bertolt was so tentative with you. He almost never took the initiative even when you asked and even then his advances were clumsy and nervous. You kept rolling the idea over and over in your mind as you patted dust off of your clothing in the red twilight while you waited. You were glad that the weather was was finally warm enough that a heavy shirt and light jacket were enough to keep you from getting cold._ _

__Almost as soon as you’d arrived a tall form came skulking around the buildings. Bertolt always looked so guilty when he came to meet you. You grinned at him._ _

__“Hey,” his voice was the quietest of whispers._ _

__“Hi.” You offered him a smile and held out your hands palm-up as he came to a stop in front of you._ _

__He reached out and you took them in his own. You loved how you couldn’t quite get your fingers and thumb to touch across his palms even if you tightened your grip and squished his hands. Some of the trainee boys you’d sparred with had hands smaller than yours._ _

__“You were late?” He asked, voice soft. He never seemed to be able to get over that first bit of awkwardness each time you met._ _

__“Yeah. I’m sorry.” You pulled his tall form a little closer. “Were you waiting over by the barn?”_ _

__“No.” He smiled a little and it was almost guilty. “I waited for Armin to come back to the barracks before I left.”_ _

__You laughed softly. “Well, that was smart. Turns out he’s allergic to dust so it took us a bit longer than usual.”_ _

__Bertolt hummed softly. “He’s always been allergic.”_ _

__You shrugged. “I guess I’ve just never been assigned to a dusty job with him... Come here?” You tugged at his hands until he reluctantly closed the distance between you._ _

__His eyes settled on your shoulder and you could almost feel the hole he was trying to stare into your flesh._ _

__“What’s wrong?” You softened your voice in an attempt to coax it out of him._ _

__“It’s Reiner.” Bertolt sighed deeply. “He’s not entirely happy with me spending so much time outside at night. He says I need to get more sleep to stay sharp.”_ _

__“Did you tell him you’re with me?” You stroked your thumbs over Bertolt’s damp palms._ _

__He mumbled something and you leaned forward, tilting your head to rest a cheek against his chest. “Hm?”_ _

__“No.” He still wouldn’t look at you but he didn’t pull away._ _

__You let go of one of his hands and reached up to cup his cheek in your palm. “You can. He’s your best friend, right? I don’t mind.”_ _

__“No.” Something unreadable and sad flashed across Bertolt’s face and you decided not to pull his face down to yours just yet, stroking his jaw lightly instead. “Reiner... wouldn’t understand. Not how he is right now.”_ _

__You pressed your lips together and nuzzled your face into the crook of his neck. Sometimes Bertolt said the strangest things. “Okay. Well, I’ll miss you if you can’t meet me so often but I’ll understand.”_ _

__“...No,” his voice sounded strained and his hands came up to rest over your shoulder blades, fingertips pressing into the muscles of your back._ _

__“No?” You closed your eyes and let his heat soak into you._ _

__He took a deep breath. “I want to keep meeting you.”_ _

__You smiled and snuggled closer. “I’m glad.”_ _

__He hummed softly and you lifted your head to look at him. There was a particular sort of darkness that entered his eyes sometimes when he was thinking. You let your thumb brush over his lips. “Bertolt?”_ _

__He looked down at you and tried to smile. “Sorry...”_ _

__“It’s fine.” You let your fingertips trail down his cheek to his neck. “But what’s really the matter?”_ _

__“Nothing,” his answer was too quick and he leaned down to burrow his face into your neck the way he always did when he didn’t want to reply to a question. “This is nice.”_ _

__You stroked fingers through his silky hair. “Mm.” You didn’t really mind. Most of the time you’d spent alone with him had been like this. Wandering conversations that ended in occasional snuggling._ _

__“Are you still planning to join the Survey Corps?” His lips brushed against the hair behind your ear and tickled you._ _

__You shivered and wrapped your arms around his wide shoulders. “Yeah. You and Reiner are still going to join the Military Police, right?”_ _

__“Yeah,” he sighed deeply._ _

__You leaned your weight against him. “You’re not worrying already are you? We still have months left until training finishes.”_ _

__Another sigh. “Right. Months.”_ _

__You pulled your head back and gave the shell of Bertolt’s ear a long, hard look. “Hey.”_ _

__He just hooked his chin more firmly over your shoulder._ _

__“Bertolt,” you softened your tone a little. “Can you please look at me?”_ _

__He mumbled something into your hair that might have been ‘No’._ _

__It was your turn to sigh. You let your knees go soft, weight dragging at his shoulders until he was forced to either hold you up or sink down with you. He let you pull him. You turned so that you ended up settling side by side on the pile of old boards that was stacked behind the shed. Bertolt stayed hunched over with his face still pressed against your neck._ _

__You combed your fingers through his hair slowly. “Why are you so worried?”_ _

__“It’s nothing.” His grip tightened, fingers digging into your skin._ _

__“Hmm.” You lay a soft kiss at the base of his neck. “You know, I’m gonna get strong enough to kill anything that tries to hurt me. I can protect you, too.”_ _

__A sort of half-laugh, half-sob tore itself from his throat but he relaxed a little. You tugged lightly at his hair and he leaned back to look at you at last. You smiled at him. “I’m serious. Let me know if there’s anything out there trying to hurt you. I’ll take it out.”_ _

__His eyes, gleaming with the barest hint of green in the darkening twilight, softened. “What about that roof you fell off of during practice?”_ _

__You laughed and leaned your forehead against his. “Yeah. That roof won’t know what hit it. Tell you what, I’ll protect you when you need it if you’ll keep catching me. How’s that sound?”_ _

__His smile turned melancholy as he brought a hand up to cup your cheek. “Okay.”_ _

__You turned and pressed a kiss to his palm. “Good. Speaking of, did you manage to find some salve?”_ _

__“Oh, yes, I did.” He rummaged around in his pockets and pulled out a small jar and unscrewed the top. It smelled unpleasantly of herbs._ _

__You turned your face up to him and he started rubbing the cream into the scratches on your face and neck. You relaxed under his gentle ministrations. When he finished he started to put the lid back on the jar but you stopped him. “Here, too.” You pulled your shirt up above your waist so he could see the two or three places where the sharp stone fragments had managed to slice through the shirt you’d been wearing earlier. He hesitated._ _

__“Oh come on. It’s just plain old skin. How many of the boy’s stomachs have you seen?”_ _

__“Most of them...” He admitted._ _

__“Exactly.” You sniffed disdainfully. “Go on, it’ll only take a second. Please?”_ _

__“Um...”_ _

__“Bertolt, put it on.” You paused a second and he still didn’t move. “ _Now_.” _ _

__His fingers smoothed over your skin. You sighed in relief as the cream soothed the scabs, irritated from rubbing against your shirt all afternoon. When his hand pulled back you readjusted your shirt and turned to smile at him. “Thank you.”_ _

__“Okay...” He wouldn’t meet your eyes as he tucked the jar back into one of his pockets but you could see a light blush darkening his cheeks in the gathering twilight._ _

__You looked at him thoughtfully. “I want you to kiss me.”_ _

__His eyes narrowed in confusion as he focused on you. “What?”_ _

__“Kiss me, Bertolt.” You leaned in closer, watching his face carefully to see his reaction. Not once in all this time had you shared a kiss without you asking first._ _

__His eyes widened slightly but he leaned forward and pressed his lips to yours._ _

__“Harder,” you whispered against his lips, flicking your tongue out to tease the bottom one._ _

__He shifted his grip to your jaw and you parted your own lips to allow him in. His tongue slid against yours and you made a pleased little hum to encourage him._ _

__“Bertolt!” A voice, clearly failing at trying to be quiet, hissed through the shadows._ _

__The man in question jerked back from you like he’d been burned. “Reiner,” he hissed._ _

__You smiled and pulled him back to press your lips against his one last time. “I’ll see you tomorrow in class.”_ _

__Bertolt nodded once and then he was gone and you were sitting in the near darkness by yourself. You climbed to your feet and brushed off the back of your pants before turning to head back to your dorm. Reiner. If you didn't know that he genuinely had everyone's best interests at heart you might have been able to find it in yourself to hate him._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So.... my apologies if you don't like the way I write Armin. He's definitely been influenced for the worse by the snk Fly Training Corps specials. Oh, and the allergy thing came from a translation of the second drama CD that I read [here](http://calorescence.tumblr.com/post/70066083306/shingeki-no-kyojin-drama-cd-2-captain-levi-vs).
> 
>  
> 
> [Come visit me on Tumblr.](http://wingedmermaid.tumblr.com/post/86642887007/changing-seasons-by-wingedmermaid-ao3-ch-5)


	6. Trost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The attack on Trost takes a toll on everyone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big thank you to all of you still reading this silly little piece of trash ♥

You stared up at the small puffs of white cloud that seemed to be circling in the blue sky above you like crows as you struggled to make your lungs work. They seemed to be as stunned as the rest of you and you couldn’t manage anything more than short, shallow gasps. A shadow loomed in your peripheral vision and something — instinct or muscle memory — kicked in and sent you rolling groggily onto your stomach and crawling away as you tried to pull yourself together. You were not going to die here.

There was an angry yell behind you and you turned just in time to see sunlight shine from half a dozen raised blades. The giant hand bearing down on you — belonging to the same abnormal who’d jumped and swatted you from the wall like a bug — twitched then began to fall. You just managed to pull yourself high enough on the roof to avoid getting your legs crushed. 

You stumbled to your feet and checked your 3DMG. It seemed to be working and that was a miracle and a half in its own right. The partially destroyed roof shook and you looked up to find a couple of your fellow trainees and a few Garrison soldiers you didn’t know standing around you. 

“Thank you.” You pasted a shaky smile on your face in an attempt to ease the worry on their faces.

“You hit your head pretty hard. You gonna be able to use your gear alright?” Connie took a step closer. 

You weren’t actually sure but you smiled confidently at the shorter man anyway. “Yeah. I’m fine. Let’s-” Cannonfire roared and you snapped your head around to look at the corner of the wall where the titans had gathered. The movement sent the world spinning and hands were suddenly on your arms, holding you up as your head reeled.

“You’re not okay,” Reiner’s deep voice was in your ear. “Let’s get you back on the wall.”

A thick arm wrapped around your waist and then everything was moving again. You held on tight when Reiner loosed his grip so he could fire his 3DMG and began to scale the wall. When you reached the top some of the soldiers there helped haul you over the edge. You tried to thank Reiner but he just shot you a grim smile and took off toward the battle again.

One of the medical officers sat you down to take a look at your head. She asked you questions as she examined your eyes then took away your gas tanks and sent you over to help haul cannon supplies with an admonition to not move too quickly. You weren’t unhappy to be safe atop the wall but as you watched the stream of injured and maimed and dead pouring past you, some of them your fellow trainees, you felt your heart starting to freeze over. You weren’t sure if it was better to know what had happened to all your friends or not.

As you were hauling another box of powder over to a cannon team a hand settled on your back for just a moment. You looked over and then up to find green eyes regarding you. Small winkles at the corners and between his eyebrows gave away just how tense he was as he looked you over. You tried to smile at him.

“You’re still here,” the words were as reverent as any prayer as they slipped past your lips.

“Reiner said you’d been hurt and I had to-” Bertolt’s face, which had relaxed for just a moment, stiffened again as several officers hurried by and he snapped his mouth shut. His hand fell away as he took a step back. “Stay alive...” he whispered your name so softly you almost missed it.

“You too, Bertolt.” You swallowed thickly. “Please. Just... don’t leave me alone here, okay?”

He froze as his face crumpled in on itself. He opened his mouth like he was going to say something but someone yelled his name and he just looked at you for a long, heartbreaking moment before turning and jogging away, good soldier mask snapping back into place to cover the pain that had broken through for just a moment. You watched him go until another body jostled you. You didn’t even hear the words the person snapped at you, just sucked in a deep breath and forced your own mask on as you turned toward your cannon crew again. You might not know what to do anymore but that was what orders were for.

  


* * *

  


By the time the Survey Corp showed up and finished exterminating the last of the titans you were so dead on your feet you could hardly stand. You were waiting in line for one of the elevators (no one had ever given you more gas) so you could get back down the wall. All the rest of the able-bodied recruits had gone on ahead of you. Eventually they managed to squeeze you in at the foot of a stretcher and you tucked yourself as tightly into the corner as you could manage, doing your best not to listen to the moans from the unfortunate soul laid out beside you.

When the box thumped onto the ground you turned and immediately began to clamber out. You managed to scramble out of the box safely but as you made your way over the uneven cobbles your bruised and abused muscles betrayed you and one of you boots caught on a particularly uneven stone. As you went down you tried to curl up but your exhaustion made your reflexes slow and you were pretty sure the impact was going to hurt.

Then out of nowhere sure hands caught you around your waist. You let out a sigh of relief. You had enough bruises already. You smiled up at the owner of the familiar hands pulling you back to your feet. “Thanks.” 

“You’re welcome,” Bertolt mumbled as he took a step back. 

You grabbed one of his retreating arms and held on. “No, no I think if you don’t mind I’m going to keep leaning on you for a bit longer.”

Bertolt stopped moving so you could wobble closer and get a better grip on his arm. He frowned down at you. “Are you okay?”

“Better than some.” You sighed as you adjusted your hold on his arm then buried your face in his shoulder and inhaled his scent, a strange mixture of blood and smoke and him. “Just a bit tired.”

“Mm.” He lead you away from the busy crowd moving around the base of the wall.

“How are you?” You mumbled into his sleeve.

He stopped and looked down at you. “What?”

“How are you?” You pulled your face out of the folds of fabric to look up at him. He was frowning harder than you’d ever seen before. The look you’d seen before, the one that spoke of someone whose world was coming apart at the seams, flashed through your memory. Not that you could blame anyone for looking like that after today. You licked your finger and reached up to rub a smudge of dirt off of his cheek. “I mean, take your time. I probably should have said something more complicated like: tired, sore, heartsick, numb, and deeply relieved all at once.”

“Deeply relieved...” A small, cold smirk you'd never seen before turned up the corner of his mouth and his eyes seemed to darken. “What is there to be relieved about? Sealing the wall?”

“Well, yes,” you said simply.

Bertolt pulled his arm away. You grabbed at the straps around his hips before he could stride off. “Wait! Bertolt!”

A few soldiers passing you in the street eyed you curiously as you stumbled after the tall man and Bertolt froze. You took advantage of his need to avoid attention and stepped up beside him. “I-I’m relieved because of you, too.”

“Me?” He gave you an incredulous look and his voice dropped to a whisper, “What reason could you have to be relieved because of me?”

You tightened your grip on his straps and narrowed your eyes at him as anger rose slowly in your chest, burning away your exhaustion and confusion. It wasn't his fault, you knew, but it was hard to keep it from your voice. “You’re still here with me. And I’m still here with you.”

And you’re relieved about that...” He closed his eyes and let out a small noise that sounded suspiciously like a strangled sob.

“Yes.” You stepped in front of him and wound your fingers under and around the straps over both his hips so you could jerk him forward against you. “I am. Regardless of what happened today I still have the chance to spend time with you. You even came to find me, or I’m guessing you did since you didn’t seem to have any other reason for being at the elevators, so I’m relieved.”

Bertolt stood there with his eyes closed for a few long minutes clearly battling with something inside himself. A few times his hands balled up into fists then relaxed again. You held onto him and waited. 

“I’m relieved, too.” He lowered his head and reached out blindly to wrap his long hands around your forearms.

You stretched up on your toes to bump your forehead gently against his. “And?”

“And I’m tired. So tired...” He let out a slow breath and slid his hands down to cover your fingers where they were gripping his straps so tightly that your knuckles were turning white. His voice sank to the smallest of whispers, the faintest ghost of a breath somehow sighing its way to your ears, “I don’t know how much longer I can do this.”

It was your turn to frown. “Bertolt?” 

“ _There_ you are!” A deep voice behind you made you and Bertolt both jumped. He took a quick step back and you forced yourself to let go of him.

“Reiner...” The tall man gave a weak smile.

“What were you two doing?” Jean was with him and the shorter of the two blonds looked suspicious.

Despite the fact that he was feet away from you now you could almost feel Bertolt freezing up. You smiled sheepishly at Jean. “I, um, I hit my head pretty good earlier and I’m still kinda dizzy. Bertolt found me going the wrong way so I made him promise to help me back to the barracks.”

“Really?” Jean tried to smirk but it was obviously just for show and made him look even more exhausted than he had before. He proffered his arm. “Lets get you back to the dorms before you do something stupid then.”

“Thanks,” you said dryly but gratefully took the blond up on his offer and leaned on him the rest of the way back. At some point Reiner and Bertolt fell back and you could hear them murmuring quietly to each other. You and Jean didn’t say much most of the way. 

“Hey, Jean?” You were approaching the barracks now.

“Yeah.” He sounded as tired as you.

“I know it’s probably not something you want to hear right now but-” You looked over to meet his golden eyes. “I heard some of the older soldiers saying that your quick thinking is one of the only reasons that the stranded trainees weren’t lost.”

Jean looked away as he stopped in front of the female barracks. “Is that so?”

“Yeah.” You squeezed his arm before you let it go.

He glanced over at you and his expression was more serious than you could ever remember seeing it before, all his usual sarcastic humour long gone. “Thanks.”

“Yeah. Thanks for the help.” You waved goodnight to the three as Reiner and Bertolt caught up and headed off with Jean. Bertolt shot you one lingering look over his shoulder. You mustered up the best smile you could manage but he only ducked his head and hurried on. You let out a deep sigh and turned to enter your barracks. You were too tired for any more emotional tightrope walking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Come visit me on Tumblr.](http://wingedmermaid.tumblr.com/post/87337503237/changing-seasons-by-wingedmermaid-ao3-ch-6)
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> Also!!! KittyIttyKirchtein wrote a gorgeous little fic inspired by Changing Seasons called [Winter Breeze](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1738901) about a Reader out on a winter training expedition with Bertolt and I really like it and you should totally go and check it out if you're in need of more BertoltxReader.


	7. Building trust

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bertolt pulls you aside for a bit of a heart-to-heart after the clean-up of Trost district.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's Friday again! Thank you to every one of you who's reading this. You're all darlings and I'm glad you can find it in your hearts to enjoy my trash ♥

The air stank of rot and burnt flesh as you slunk back to the trainee dorms. You thought it was very likely you’d never feel clean again. Regardless, you dragged yourself to the bathhouse. Most of the other trainees, or at least most of the ones who were still alive and uninjured, had gone back to the barracks with the simple goal of passing out in their beds but you just didn’t think you could do that without getting the smell out of your nose and off of your body for at least a few minutes.

A short while later you stumbled out of the bathhouse scrubbed nearly pink. You were already wearing your pajamas with your boots pulled haphazardly over top of the baggy cotton pants and the rest of your disgustingly dirty uniform bundled in your arms. You blearily pointed yourself in the approximate direction of the girl's barracks and started walking. The entire training camp was silent. 

“Hey.” When someone addressed you from the darkness you nearly jumped out of your skin.

Spinning around and sinking into a defensive pose you found Bertolt facing you with a hand half-extended like he wanted to touch you but wasn’t sure of the outcome. You sighed in relief and bent to recover your clothing from where you’d dropped it. “Hey, Bertolt,” you said quietly.

“Can I talk to you for a minute?” His eyes were wide in the dark.

A little refreshed after that jolt of adrenaline you padded over and took his hand in yours. “What’s up?”

“Can we go somewhere a little more out of the way?” You could see him shifting nervously in the light of the few torches left scattered around the barracks area.

“Of course.” You walked with him. Sure enough after a short detour to the laundry to drop off your dirty clothing you ended up behind the shed. Luckily even the night breeze was becoming pleasantly warm now. No more hiding inside one of the older outbuildings or the barn to escape the worst of winter’s cold. The two of you leaned side by side against the old wooden wall illuminated only by the faint moonlight that was somehow managing to penetrate the smoke-filled sky. You waited patiently. If he had something to say it would come out eventually.

“So...” He paused to swallow. His hand was damp against yours and you squeezed it gently to encourage him. “Tomorrow we pick our divisions...”

You smiled up at him even though you could feel your heart cracking like ice about to give. This was it. “You made third. The MP will take you for sure.”

“Yeah...” He looked away again.

You leaned into his warm body. “I’ll miss you.”

He let go of your hand and tentatively wrapped an arm around your shoulders. “Yeah.”

“I don’t know if I’ll get another chance to tell you, so... stay safe, okay?” You pulled his other hand up to rest against your stomach and wrapped both of yours around it. 

You could feel his breath tickle your cheek as he turned to look at you but you kept your eyes on your hands. Tears were pricking at their corners and you didn’t want him to see. 

He sighed and the rush of hot air sent a shiver down your spine. “The MP is the safest place any soldier can be...”

“Yeah.” You tried to smile but you could feel your eyes tearing up. “You can probably relax there. Just... remember that people are animals, too.” You squeezed his hand tightly. “We all do whatever we have to to survive. E-even when we know it’s s-something bad.” You let silence fall over you and just stood there with him for a while. You used your free hand to wipe at your face as sneakily as you could. “And s-stay away from tree wells, okay?”

“Don’t die,” his voice was so low you almost couldn’t hear him. 

You snorted to clear the roughness creeping into your voice. “I’m not planning on it.”

“It’s not a joke,” his voice hardened and he tightened his arm almost painfully around you. “Do whatever you have to do. Stay alive.”

“Bertolt, please, not so tight.” You let go of him to reach up and place a gentle hand against his chest. “I wasn’t joking. I’ll do my best not to.”

“Just _don’t_.” He yanked you closer and you found your face pressed against his chest as he crushed you against him. You could feel his fingers digging into your back. He breathed your name out in a desperate sigh as he pulled you closer. 

You were having trouble breathing. “Bertolt, _stop_.” It came out with a little more snap than you’d intended. To your surprise he immediately let you go. You stumbled a little as you caught your balance.

“I-” His eyes were huge and horrified in the faint light. “I didn’t mean to...”

“It’s okay.” And when you took a second to consider what you’d just said you realized that it was. You smiled at him. “I’m fine.”

“But, I-” He looked almost frantic.

“I’m fine,” you repeated, holding out your hands in a calming gesture. “We’re fine.”

He shook his head too quickly and started to shuffle away. “I could have hurt you!” 

“Bertolt.” An old thought turned over in your mind. You put all the authority you could muster into your words. “ _Calm down_.”

He froze, looking at you with eyes as wide as a mouse cornered in the pantry by a cat.

You took his hands in yours. They were shaking. “It’s okay.”

“But-”

You narrowed your eyes at him until he snapped his mouth shut. You rewarded him with a small smile. “Bertolt, I want you to give me a kiss, please.”

He stiffened, still looking baffled and a little lost.

You sighed and leaned up against his chest. “Kiss me.” He bent his head down but his movements were still slow and you finally lost you patience, grabbed the front of his shirt in both hands, and glared at him. “ _Kiss me_!”

His lips were pressed against yours almost before the words had left them. You let him take the reins and enjoyed a few minutes of tentative tongue movements and nibbles before you took over, catching his upper lip between your teeth as you backed him against the wall. When you pulled away he was panting softly and staring at you like he’d never seen you before. 

“It’s going to be fine,” you repeated, sternly but in a soft tone. “You’re going to be safe in Sina with the MP and I’m going to go exploring with the Corps and it will be fine. Alright?”

He nodded, all the tension from before ebbing slowly out of his lean form.

“Good.” You cupped his cheek in a gentle hand. “Now, I’ve had an idea. But first I want you to know that you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to with me, okay? Ever. If you don’t like it all you need to do is just tell me to stop or leave.”

He nodded again, hesitantly, apparently not trusting his voice yet.

You gave him a gentle smile then took a deep breath and steeled yourself as you stared into his sad green eyes. “Okay. So, you seem more comfortable when you know exactly what’s expected of you. Yes?”

“Yes.” His brows drew together in a confused frown.

“Right. So. I’m going to tell you what I want you to do. I’ll let you know if you’ve gone too far or not far enough. Okay? So don’t worry about hurting me. And if you don’t like anything I say I’m trusting you to tell me to stop, too. Alright?”

“Yes?” His face twisted in confusion as his hands settled uncertainly on your hips.

You smiled at him and ran your thumbs along his cheekbones. He was sweating again. How he could be such a terrifying warrior one minute and then so adorably helpless the next... “Just say stop, anytime, and I will.”

He swallowed and nodded.

“Good.” You lowered your hands until you were cradling his jaw. “I want you to grab my butt.”

He quivered but his hands didn’t move. You could feel the heat of a blush stealing up his neck.

You put a little snap in your voice, “Hands on my ass, Bertolt”

You felt a shiver pass through him as he obeyed. You nodded once as his large hands settled on the curve of your rear then pulled his face down toward yours. “Better. Now, really kiss me.”

His hands tightened and pulled you closer and up onto your toes as he closed the distance between you and his gentle lips found yours. You tugged lightly on the lobe of one of his ears in a silent demand for more and he pressed closer as he began greedily trying to devour your mouth. You moaned and let your eyes drift closed as his tongue licked into your mouth and his hands massaged your ass. After a few minutes of delicious heat and quick gasps for air you pressed a hand against his chest and pulled your head back.

“That was perfect,” you murmured and he hid his face in your neck in embarrassment. “Oh Bertolt...” You laughed softly as you nuzzled your face into his hair then lowered your voice to a soft purr, “Take off my shirt.”

He let out a soft, wanting noise as his hands slid up and around to the buttons down the front of your shirt. As he undid the last one you shrugged out of the soft cotton. You hadn’t bothered to put your chest wrap back on. Bertolt’s eyes went wide as he stared at your bare breasts. You couldn't help the grin that spread over your face. “Go ahead.”

His hands reached forward almost of their own accord to cup the soft flesh. You arched into his touch and let your hands settle on his hips. He massaged them gently.

“Bertolt, you can be rougher.”

He froze. “But, what if I- like before... I could hurt you.” His voice had sunk to a worried whisper.

“I won’t let you.” You caressed the prominent bones of his hips through his clothing. “Trust me.”

He closed his eyes for a moment and when he spoke his voice was even smaller, “Can I use my mouth?”

You laughed and pulled his head down to your chest. He nuzzled his face between the soft mounds and you tangled your fingers in his dark hair. His tongue flicked out experimentally and you hummed happily. “That’s good.”

His hands reaching down and grabbing your ass again was all the warning you got before he lifted you up against him. You squeaked and wrapped your legs around his waist. He smiled a little before burying his face in your chest again. You linked your hands behind his neck and leaned back a little so you could watch him as he mouthed over your breasts. He took his time, investigating with lips and tongue. He looked up at you as he lapped at one of your cold-hardened nipples with his hot tongue and you let out a little groan. Encouraged, he sucked it into his mouth and dragged his teeth over it. 

“Bertolt...” you sighed. He paused and you curled around him trying to get closer. “No, it's good. You’re doing good.”

He hummed and pulled your hips tight against his own. You could feel the bulge in his pants pressing hard against you so you rolled your hips forward against him which elicited a groan and more teeth against your skin as he bit down lightly. You moaned back and bent to lay soft kisses on his hair. “Bertolt-”

“Is someone there?” a voice rang out through the dark and you both froze. 

He half-slid, half-dropped you onto your feet and the two of you took off in the opposite direction, you frantically buttoning up your shirt as you went. The fabric stuck to your skin, damp and cold now, over the breast that Bertolt had been paying attention to. Your frustration bubbled out into soft swears as you both circled around and back to the path that led to the barracks. Bertolt looked petrified. You reached over and grabbed his clammy hand in yours then leaned out around a building to see if the coast was clear. It was. So you pulled him after you and began to walk down the path like you’d just been taking a stroll to the bathhouse. Thanks to the light of the last few torches still sputtering gamely on you both saw the large form hurrying up the path in plenty of time to let go and adjust the space between your bodies before Reiner got a good look at you.

“Bertolt! What happened? You said you’d be right back half an hour ago!” the tall blond scolded.

The tall man slouched a little and looked miserable. “Sorry, Reiner...”

Reiner sighed and ran his hand through his hair then gave you a friendly nod. “You’re okay so it’s fine. But it’s lights out in a few minutes. We need to get our asses moving.”

The three of you hurried down the path and managed to be where you were supposed to before anyone came to check. You flopped into your bunk with an annoyed sigh. When Reiner had called Bertolt on the path you’d recognized his voice as the one that had interrupted you behind the shed. Where did that man get his thrice-damned sense of timing anyways?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those of you holding out for smut please be patient just a little bit longer. It's on it's way.
> 
>  
> 
> [Come visit me on Tumblr.](http://wingedmermaid.tumblr.com/post/88054690592/changing-seasons-by-wingedmermaid-ao3-ch-7)
> 
>  
> 
> KittyIttyKirchtein wrote a gorgeous little fic inspired by Changing Seasons called [Winter Breeze](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1738901) about a Reader out on a winter training expedition with Bertolt and it's cute and sweet and and you should totally go and check it out if you're in need of more BertoltxReader.


	8. Trist

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You meet with Bertolt before the expedition beyond the wall for a little one on one time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So. It’s still Friday where I am. I have exactly one minute left. *hides face* I am sorry. The smut fairy seems to have left me hanging this week and I was writing right up to... well, now. 
> 
> Also thank you all for your kudos and encouraging messages! I hope this chapter lives up to your expectations.

You stepped out of one of the many back doors to the castle on silent feet and padded toward one of the old buildings attached to the outer walls. Bertolt had brushed past you in the mess hall today and you’d taken the chance to whisper ‘tonight’ in his ear. You been both shocked and quietly thrilled when the tall boy had still been there, shaking in his boots but standing tall in front of the Commander of the Survey Corps as the stern man watched almost the entire remaining 104th training squad slip away into the darkness to join the Garrison or Military Police. A few days into your Survey Corps training you’d started looking for a new spot to meet. You slunk through the shadows to wait for him inside the dark husk of an outbuilding you’d eventually settled on. In the almost four weeks you’d been with the Corps you had always been the first one to arrive for your rendezvous. Except, tonight, there was already a tall, lean shadow lurking against the wall just inside the open doorway. When you brushed your hand down his arm he flinched.

“Hey...” You kept your voice soft.

“Oh. Hey.” He turned his head to look down at you. 

You couldn’t see his face. You reached up instead and brushed your fingers across his lips. They were set in a thin line. You wrapped your other hand around his and forced your fingers between his until he gave in and let you twine your hands together.

“Bertolt.” You squeezed his hand. “Are you okay?”

“No.” He let out a ragged sigh against your fingers where they rested at the corner of his mouth. You realized with a start that he’d been holding his breath.

“Can you tell me why?” His hand was damp but warm enough that you didn't mind. 

“No.” Somehow this refusal was firmer although his voice was so soft you almost couldn’t hear him. You could hazard a guess though. Your first expedition beyond the wall was in only two days.

You leaned into him a little. “Okay. Well. Can I get you off, then?”

He stiffened when you asked the question so bluntly. Air hissed between his teeth as he sucked in a breath. You ran your thumb up and down along the side of his index finger. You’d messed around a little but hadn’t managed to get much further than quick handjobs in deserted corners. Tonight all the new recruits had been released early to get a good sleep and you were not going to let the opportunity go to waste.

“Yes,” it was the barest whisper. You guided his head down with gentle touches until you could kiss him, slow and thorough. His hand tightened around yours. You stroked his cheekbone with your thumb as you tried to coax every secret out of his mouth with your tongue. When you pulled back you had to wipe a little drool from your bottom lip and the sigh that slid past his lips was rough and needy. You smiled. 

“You’re tense.” You smoothed your hand down the front of his shirt and wriggled your fingers in under his belt.

“Mm,” he agreed, voice low with just a hint of huskiness.

“You know you can always ask me to meet you anytime, Bertolt.” It had been four days since you’d last met. You kept your tone light because you knew he would never. And you could already feel the way his body was tightening into an uncomfortable slouch the way it always did when he felt he'd disappointed you. You squeezed his hand once more before letting it go. “But you don’t have to. Nothing that makes you uncomfortable, right?”

He relaxed and you crowded him back against the wall as you slid the fingers of your other hand under his belt. You lay your lips on the small square of chest left exposed by his jacket. He shivered. Your tongue traced the edges of his collarbones as your fingers undid the buckle of his belt then pushed both it and the leather around his hips aside.

“Right...” He leaned his head back against the wood of the shed to bare the length of his neck to you and you leaned up on your toes to take full advantage. You nibbled your way over his Adam’s apple and up to where you could just catch his earlobe between your teeth. As you sucked on it one of his hands fluttered near your hip. 

“Touch me if you want to,” you breathed the words into his skin, pausing in your nipping and kissing for just a moment. Then you slid your hands down over the front of his pants and under the crossed straps of his harness. His hands latched onto your hips like he was afraid he was going to fall. You grinned into the hollow of his throat and cupped one hand over the hardening bulge between his legs. 

“Where do you want to touch me?” You purred as you wiggled your hips until your hands had enough space to slide down his right thigh and begin undoing the buckles there. 

“Everywhere...” He tightened his grip on your hips and you let a tiny groan ghost out against his neck. You were going to have bruises but that was a matter of course. The tall boy was stronger than you would ever have guessed from looks alone.

“Unbuckle my harness.” A small spasm passed through his entire body at the direct order. You couldn’t resist trailing your hands back up and over his crotch as you slid them over to deal with the buckles on his other thigh. 

“Yes,” the tone of his voice turned almost reverent as his hands slid up your back and over your shoulders to the buckle resting against your chest. You let your own hands trail up over the fabric-covered planes and hard muscles of his stomach to the matching buckle on his harness. His fingers fumbled, a little overeager, but it wasn’t long until it was hanging loose around you.

“Good,” You shrugged out of your shoulder straps, letting them fall around your hips, and reached your hands up to push his off as well then began unbuttoning his shirt. “Kiss me, Bertolt.”

“Yes.” He bent his head and found your lips with his. You shivered a little as his arms wrapped around your shoulders and he enveloped you in the heat of his body. His first kisses were always slow and tentative. It took some time to work yourself up to this as well so you were grateful he was a slow starter.

You slid your hands down over his slim waist and pushed the last bits of his harness away. Then you pulled his shirt free and let your hands travel up his stomach. Your hands moved smoothly over his sweat-slick skin and you took your time exploring the swells and dips of his muscles. 

Bertolt gasped into your mouth as you let your fingers trail over one of his small, hard nipples. You gave it a light pinch and he rewarded you with a groan as he pulled his head back to stare at you with lust-darkened eyes. The moon was coming up now and shining through the doorway and you could see its light reflected in them as he stared at you, hands fidgeting against your back. 

“Touch me, you big idiot.” You quirked your lips into a smile as he still hesitated. “Take my shirt off.”

He began unbuttoning your shirt and you shifted your hips forward to grind against him while he did. His breath caught in his chest. You traced your fingers down the muscles of his abs as he slid eager hands inside your shirt. You let out a low, pleased sigh as he cupped your covered breasts in his hands, moving your own hands back over the front of his pants.

He looked at you expectantly as he massaged your chest with his large palms. 

“That too.” You laughed softly as he immediately reached around to undo the fabric containing your breasts. You could feel the hardness of his erection under your hand as it strained to escape his pants. “Oh Bertolt... do my orders turn you on that much?”

His face nuzzled into the crook of your neck. “You know they do...”

You smiled into his short, dark hair as it brushed against your cheek. “Well then.” You popped open the first of the buttons holding his pants closed. “You’ve got two minutes to try and make me forget myself. Start with my breasts.”

You let your hands fall away from him as he kissed his way down to your chest. He pressed your breasts together with his big hands and buried his face in them. You raised a hand to stroke his hair. 

“Use your teeth,” you whispered against his ear and saw the shiver travel down his spine. A grin started to turn up your lips but vanished as you were forced to stifle a groan with your hand. He dragged his teeth over the curve of one of your breasts toward the nipple. When he got there he sucked it between his lips and laved at it with his tongue until you had to bite your hand to shut yourself up. 

Meanwhile his hands slid down over your hips and curved around the swell of your rear. They jerked you up and off your feet and you wrapped your legs around his hips. He didn’t stop mouthing your breast for a single moment. You wrapped an arm around the back of his neck as he tugged at your now over-sensitized nipple with his teeth. His fingers tightened around your ass, massaging roughly.

“Oh-okay. Bertolt,” His mouth fastened onto the top of your breast and he sucked so hard you knew there would be a mark. “Ah- stop. Bertolt, _stop_.”

He went completely still then pulled his head back reluctantly. You gave him a chaste little kiss on the lips. “You did really good but time’s up. Put me down.”

He did as you asked. When you were safely on the ground you lay your hands on his chest to push him back against the shed again. “Hands on the wall.”

He made a soft, sad sound and you reached up and grabbed him by the hair. “Hands. On. The. Wall.”

His arms snapped out and his hands were flat against the wall so fast you could hear the thump of impact.

“What do you say, Bertolt?” You sharpened your tone and pulled his head down so his face was only inches from yours. The moonlight had leeched all the colour from the world but you could have sworn there was a flicker of green fire in his eyes as they focused on you.

“Sorry.” His warm breath brushed over your face like a caress. His voice trembled slightly with excitement.

“Good.” You caught his lips for another slow kiss. He responded with such passion that you had to pull away before you gave in and let him take over. 

You let your hands settle over his crotch again and he let out a low whine as he pushed his hips out to try and get more friction. You stared up at him as you purposely took your time with the remaining buttons. Letting the pants fall down around his knees with his harness you took a long look at the tenting in his briefs. 

He spoke your name and the word slipped past in lips in a soft, desperate plea.

A smirk twisted your lips and you hooked your fingers around the waistband of his boxers, pulling them down to let his erection spring free in the cool night air. You could hear the scrape of his fingernails on wood as his hands clenched against the wall. 

“Would you like something?” You looked up and held his eyes with yours.

“Touch me, please?” His voice cracked when he spoke your name and you took pity, sliding your hands around his cock. Goosebumps rose on your arms. Your fingers felt frozen compared to his heat.

“So hot...” You sank down on your knees in front of him and a strangled whimper followed you down. You ran your thumb over the head of his cock, smearing the precum that was collecting there. Bertolt’s tall form shuddered above you but his hands never came away from the wall.

You wrapped a hand around the base of his erection, squeezing with gentle fingers. Then you flicked out your tongue and licked him from your thumb to the tip of the head. He bit back what sounded suspiciously like a swear.

You pulled back. “Cover your mouth and don’t move, Bertolt.” He looked down at you, eyes wide and slightly unfocused as he followed your command, pressing one knuckle between his lips. 

“Good boy,” you cooed gently before you moved forward. You heard a long, stifled groan as you slid your lips over his head. You worked your tongue against the underside as you slowly took him deeper into your mouth. As you swallowed around him his free hand scrabbled against the wall. You dug fingernails into his thigh and he stilled, heeding the silent warning. He quivered as you pulled your head back. A glance showed wide green eyes staring down at you in mute appeal over the hand he hand pressed tight against his own mouth. When you only held the very tip of his cock between your lips you pushed forward again and his hips gave an aborted little jerk. 

As you began to bob your head he couldn’t help the small sounds that snuck out between his fingers. They shot straight to your core and you could feel warmth pooling between your legs. After a particularly throaty little gasp you pulled your head back and moved your hand from the base of his cock to run your fingers gently over his balls. He let out a ragged moan. 

“How are you doing?” you asked as you caressed them.

“Un... G-good...” he managed before you dragged your tongue over the slit to lick away a bead of precum and he had to shove his hand back into his mouth to stifle a groan.

You carefully relaxed your throat and took as much of his length in as you could without gagging. The soft curls of hair at his base were just tickling your nose. Then you pressed your tongue against him and sucked until your cheeks went hollow. His head snapped back against the wall and you couldn’t tell if his gasp was pain or pleasure or both. You rubbed gentle fingers over his balls as you pulled back. You repeated the motion again and again, slowly increasing your pace until the muffled noises he was making became short and harsh and he tensed up. 

“P-please...” he whimpered brokenly.

You deep throated him and began swallowing, fighting you gag reflex as he came undone with a low, animal noise above you. His body stiffened then quivered and the rush of hot cum threatened to choke you for a moment until he melted back against the wall whispering your name like a mantra. You sat back on your heels and wiped your mouth with the back of your hand. His taste was everywhere. When you looked up he was a spent wreck and you couldn’t help a satisfied grin when you saw how fucked-out his expression was. 

“Please, c-can I move?” his voice was soft and uncertain. He was pressed back against the wall, trembling, one hand still at his mouth. 

You took a few moments to fix his clothing for him with gentle fingers before you answered. “Come here.” You held out your arms and he sank down on shaking legs to kneel in front of you. His dazed expression melted your heart. You knelt as well and pulled him down into your lap, peppering his hair and what you could reach of his face with soft kisses as he turned to rest his cheek against your thigh. “You were so good, Bertolt, thank you.” 

“You’re very welcome.” He smiled and wrapped his arms around your waist as you ran your fingers through his sweaty hair. 

You sat there for a few minutes just stroking his hair and back while he pulled himself together. You were pleased to find not even a hint of the tension he’d displayed earlier in the muscles under your fingers. You let yourself relax as well. The night breeze was cool but with his warm body pressed against you there was no chance of you getting chilled. 

One of his hands found your hip and he brushed his fingertips along the skin just above your belt. You rested your chin on top of his head as he slid his other hand hesitantly to the buttons at the front of your pants. “Can I...?” His fingers stroked tentatively over your hipbone.

“What do you want?” You squirmed around under him until you were sitting with one leg stretched out to either side of him. 

He pushed himself forward on his knees and nuzzled his face into your bare stomach. “You haven’t... haven’t gotten...”

You grinned as you leaned back on one hand. “Haven’t gotten what, Bertolt?”

He let out a frustrated groan and wrapped his arms around your waist again, muscles hard as steel cables. You chuckled and tickled the hairs at the back of his neck with light touches. “How is it that under direction you’re like a storm but when I let you alone you can’t seem to decide on anything?”

He rolled his eyes up to give you a baleful look.

You laughed for real then although you kept it quiet. “Okay, okay, I’m sorry. I’m just teasing.” You slid your fingers into his hair and pulled at it lightly, lowering your voice into a growl, “Undo my pants.”

He shivered and his fingers made quick work of your belt and buttons. 

“Take them off.” You leaned back on both hands so you could raise your hips as he tugged the fabric down and out of the way, pants and underwear together.

He knelt between your bare thighs then and looked at you, eyes almost hidden by his bangs. You reached out and cupped his cheek in your hand. He leaned into your touch and you brushed your thumb over his lips. “Hm, should I have you start with your fingers or your tongue or both?”

Bertolt flicked his tongue out against the pad of your thumb. 

You smirked. “Tongue it is.”

His hot breath made your stomach tighten as he lowered his head to sprinkle soft kisses over your stomach. You lay back on one elbow to give him more room to work.

He kissed down until his face was between your legs. “Now?”

You tangled your fingers in his hair. “Yes. Now.”

He slid his hands up the inside of your thighs and pressed them further apart before flicking out his tongue to taste you. You let out a small hum of pleasure as he explored you. When he licked into you your hand tightened in his hair and you bit your lip to stop from moaning. He let his upper lip move against your clit as he worked his tongue up against you and with each flick the tip just reached the spot that sent little jolts to your core. 

“ _Shit_ , Bertolt...” You gasped. He pulled back and lay a couple of wet kisses over the inside of your thighs, looking up at you uncertainly. “Ugh, no, _more_.” You tugged at his hair and he let out a small moan as he kissed your clit and slid two fingers up into you. He crooked them and you had to bite your lip again. When he began to lick you with slow strokes of his tongue timed to the movements of his fingers you bit down hard. “Ow, shit...”

Bertolt froze then cringed back. “D-did I...?”

“No!” You pulled his head back toward you and let out a breathy laugh. “No. What you’re doing is perfect. I just... uh. I bit myself. I think I’m bleeding...” You ran your tongue over your bottom lip and tasted a familiar coppery tang.

Bertolt surged up and caught your lips in a messy open-mouthed kiss. You slid your hand down to hold his cheek as he tried to devour you. His fingers began to move in you again and you groaned into his mouth. He sucked on your tongue and you felt him move his thumb up to rub small circles around your clit as he fingerfucked you.

He let your mouth go with one final lick to your injured lip then began to kiss his way down your throat. You slid your hand to the back of his neck as he shifted his attentions to your breasts. He swirled his tongue around one nipple before sucking on it hard. 

You couldn’t help but arch your back up to him with a little whimper. “Good. Keep going.”

He licked and nibbled as his hand gradually sped up. You were increasingly pressed to keep your moans and fragments of praise quiet as his fingers pounded into you. Your legs began to tremble and you grabbed his shoulder. “B-Bertolt... tongue... _now_.”

You felt him quiver and he kissed down over your stomach. His thumb stopped its rubbing and then it was all hot, wet heat and friction as his tongue took over. You curled around him and clung to him with both hands. He sped up and the trembling in your legs turned into full-on shaking. Then your orgasm hit you. White-hot pleasure rushed over and through you and you gasped out his name. He didn't stop or slow and your body jerked and shook as aftershocks made your muscles spasm. You dug your fingernails viciously into his skin as the sensations threatened to overwhelm you. “Ber- uh... Bertolt, enough...” 

His fingers slowed and he pulled back, still bent over on his knees, and you slowly relaxed the death grip you had on his shoulders. You realized you’d left little half-moon marks in his skin and pulled his shirt back so you could lean down and kiss each of them. “Sorry...”

“No.” Bertolt nuzzled his face into the curve of your neck. “No. Don’t be sorry.”

“You were amazing,” you murmured into his ear.

You could feel him heat up as he blushed and you laughed and pulled him up so you could kiss him. Then you pulled away and dressed yourself before pushing him back against the wall and crawling into his lap. You wrapped your arms around his neck and rubbed your cheek against his soft hair. “Feeling better?”

He raised a hand to your back and pulled you a little closer. “Always, with you.”

You smirked and tugged lightly at his ear. “Come back to me after the mission and I’ll make you feel even better.”

He laughed softly. “Come back to you?”

You caressed his face with a light touch. “That’s all I’ll ever want.”

He closed his eyes and leaned his cheek into your palm with a soft sigh. “Oh.”

You frowned a little. “You will come back to me, right Bertolt?” 

“Yes,” he breathed the promise out into your hand.

You smiled and kissed his forehead. “Good. Thank you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Come visit me on Tumblr.](http://wingedmermaid.tumblr.com/post/88742493847/changing-seasons-by-wingedmermaid-ao3-ch-8) 
> 
> KittyIttyKirchtein wrote a gorgeous little fic inspired by Changing Seasons called [Winter Breeze](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1738901) about a Reader out on a winter training expedition with Bertolt and it's cute and sweet and and you should totally go and check it out if you're in need of more BertoltxReader.


	9. Breaking down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What do you do when the path you chose disappears from underneath your feet?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again for all your support everyone. I'm so glad that so many of you are enjoying my self-indulgent garbage! And... I'm sorry. 
> 
> Warning: This chapter contains manga spoilers.

“-Traitors.”

You nearly bit through the skin on the hand you’d shoved in your mouth to keep yourself silent.

“ _Hey_ ,” someone hissed your name and you pulled your head away from the door you were pressed against to glare at them down the dim hallway. Big blue eyes under blond bangs peered at you from around a nearby corner. You waved Armin away but he widened his eyes and beckoned at you frantically. When the sound of a chair being pushed back came from inside the room you gave it up as a bad job, scurrying down the hall as fast as you could.

“What were you doing?!” Armin hissed as he grabbed you by the wrist and pulled you into a small room down the hall.

“Eavesdropping, obviously.” You collapsed in a nearby chair and buried your face in your hands.

“On the _commander_?!” Armin sounded outraged.

You refused to look up even when you heard him walk over and just mumbled the answer into your hands, “Yeah.”

Silence stretched between you. You could almost see his thoughtful expression as he put together the pieces. 

“Were they talking about the rogue titan shifters?”

“Yes.”

A chair was dragged across the wooden floor to settle beside yours. “And?”

“They’re being declared traitors to humanity,” you did your best to keep the sob that was threatening to crawl up your throat from affecting your voice, “of course.”

“Of course...” Armin sat down heavily.

“It’s okay. I know you’re from Shiganshina. You must hate them, too.” You rubbed at your eyes with your knuckles then ran your hands through your hair as you sat up, schooling your expression to stern neutrality.

“Actually.” Armin was chewing on his lower lip and staring fixedly at the floor when you turned to look at him. “...I don’t.”

You blinked at him. “But... your grandpa, and Eren’s family, and the other recruits at Trost...?”

Armin shook his head violently. “No, I’m still angry about all that. But I think there’s something bigger going on. Bigger than those three. Bigger than us. Maybe bigger than all of humanity inside the walls.”

“Oh...” You felt some of the tension you hadn’t even realized you were carrying ease out of your shoulders.

Armin raised his head and gave you a small, sad smile. “I don’t think it can be as easy as just hating a few people who did bad things. They probably thought it was for the best at the time.”

“Oh,” you repeated yourself as you leaned your forehead against a shaking hand. “I-I’m glad you think that way. I can’t seem to h-hate him. T-them... I _tried_.” And you had. The anger at his betrayal had been a vicious snake coiled around your heart. But it had withered and faded into pity as you’d listened and collected stories from the people who’d been there for the abduction and the battle. Heard just how desperate and scared he’d been.

Armin ran a hand through his own hair. His expression was almost stricken. “Bertolt... he said they want to be found... and I wonder now if they’re as trapped outside of the walls are we are inside of them.”

“It’s possible. I don’t know. Armin, I don’t think I know anything anymore.” You let out another soft sigh. “I promised I’d protect him once. And he just smiled at me. That sad sort of smile he had? He must have known I would never be able to keep it.” It was eating you alive that you’d been out warning villagers instead of going after the titan shifters with everyone else when they’d taken Eren. You hadn’t even been able to say goodbye in the rush when the titans had shown up inside wall Rose.

Armin couldn’t seem to help the frown that stole across his features. “You promised him you'd protect him?”

“Yeah.” You smiled bitterly. “He always seemed so vulnerable, you know? I just wanted him to feel safe.”

“Well, there’s nothing any of us can do until we know more or they come back.” Armin pushed himself to his feet. He took a step then paused and turned back to look at you. “Except — if you really want to have a chance at protecting him — it wouldn’t hurt you to catch the eyes of some of our commanding officers.”

You blinked up at him. “What?”

“To protect people you need power.” He tried smiling again but the expression just came out tired and sad. “And to protect a traitor you’re going to need as much as you can get.”

“Oh...” You pushed your hair back out of your face and climbed slowly to your own feet.

Armin turned to go but you stopped him with a hand on his shoulder. When he looked back you pulled him into a tight hug. He stiffened for a moment then relaxed and gave you a smile that looked a little more like himself.

“Thank you, Armin.” You gave him an extra squeeze before letting go. 

“For what?” His cheeks were a little pink.

You gave him an embarrassed smile. “For everything. For being you.” You turned to open the door so he couldn’t see the naked, desperate need that filled your heart and spilled over onto your face. “For giving me hope.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah. I'm so sorry. m(_ _)m I promise that there is light at the end of the tunnel.
> 
> [Come visit me on Tumblr.](http://wingedmermaid.tumblr.com/)
> 
> Works inspired by this: [Winter Breeze](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1738901) by KittyIttyKirchtein - A really cute little story about a Reader out on a winter expedition with Bertolt.


	10. Retrieval

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the battles are done can you figure out a way to meet him again?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bit of a time-jump here. I don’t know what happened. One minute I was just writing and the next the story tore the reins from my hands and took off cross-country so... I hope you don’t mind a bit of a weird/rough ride to the end. (シ_ _)シ Thank you so much for all the kudos and views and for sticking with Bertolt and Reader until now! ♥
> 
> Also I use Sir as an honourific for both genders here.

You quietly thanked Connie for helping you up the stairs before you stepped through the door and shut it behind you, blocking out the shorter man’s concerned face with a soft click. You leaned back against the reassuringly solid wood while you caught your breath. “Armin...?”

The blond man had grown a good six or so inches since you’d met him in training. His shoulders had broadened as well. But even though he’d grown out his hair somehow his bangs were still the same blond mess they’d always been. He looked up from his desk and his eyebrows immediately came together in a concerned frown when he saw you. “What’s wrong? Why are you out of bed?”

You ran a shaky hand through your own hair, wincing as the movement pulled at the lines of half-healed stitches running across your right side and over your stomach. “The meds just released me. I heard he-” Your voice caught on the lump in your throat and you took a moment to breathe and collect yourself. A single glimpse of his tall form at the beginning of the final battles weeks ago, standing with the other returned shifters inside a circle of crack Corp members, had shaken you to the core. Since his return you hadn’t even had the chance to talk to him, to see if he was still the man you’d known a year and a half ago, but that one look had upset you more than seeing what he could become firsthand had. “He’s been imprisoned? With Reiner and Annie?”

“Ah.” He sat back to look at you with eyes softened by pity.

“I’m sorry, I know it’s not your problem, I just-” You examined the scuff marks on the toes of your boots. They desperately needed to be polished and still bore fragments of autumn leaves crushed into dried mud from the last battle.

“Just what,” his voice was gentle.

You couldn’t manage more than a whisper as you glanced up at his face. “There just isn’t anyone else I feel comfortable talking to about this...” 

“Yeah.” He ran a hand through his own hair, pushing his bangs out of the way, and gave you a rueful smile. “You probably shouldn’t. Emotions were running pretty high during the trial.”

You rubbed at your tired eyes with your index finger and thumb. “The papers said they weren’t going to be executed with the other shifters?”

“No,” Armin’s voice was firm now. “But they are to be confined indefinitely.”

“Shit.” You slumped back against the hard wood and let out a soft hiss of pain. It had been a year and half. Eighteen months since you’d made your promise and then failed to fulfil it. You cursed softly again then straightened and looked the blond man in the eye. “That’s not good enough, Armin. I need them — him — back here.”

“I was hoping you’d say that.” Armin smiled at you as he got to his feet. 

You found yourself blinking at him a bit stupidly. “You... have a plan?”

“Always.” He walked over to you and set a gentle hand on your shoulder. “By the way, congratulations on your newest promotion.”

“Oh... thanks, I guess.” You narrowed your eyes as you tried to figure out where he was going with this. 

He guided you over to one of the simple wooden chairs in front of his desk. “Of course now that you’re a Team Leader you’ll have the freedom to air your opinions on excursions beyond the wall and other such matters to your assigned Squad Leader and at the general officer meetings.”

He gently pushed down on your shoulder and you eased your aching body into the chair. You frowned up at him. “You didn’t have anything to do with my promotion, did you?” 

He strode back around the desk and sank back into his own chair. “Of course not. You’re an excellent soldier and others have noticed how invested you are in the support and maintenance of the teams you’ve been assigned to. In fact, your performance during those final battles up to and including when you received your wounds was outstanding.”

“Goooood,” you drew out the word, still suspicious. “And?”

“And I want you working with _me_. Jean already has enough capable Team Leaders under him.”

You blinked.

“Excellent. Now, how do you feel about writing proposals?” Armin was already sorting through the piles of paper on his desk looking for something.

“I- I didn’t say yes yet?” you said in a confused mumble.

“You don’t need to.” Armin gave you his most charmingly innocent grin as he pushed a file across the polished wooden surface. “I’m going to help you get him out.”

You grabbed it and flipped it open faster than you realized you could move, ignoring the pain that stabbed through your stomach at the sudden movement. Inside were the beginnings of a proposal for utilizing titan shifters to expedite exploration of the outside world. You closed your eyes for a moment. “I think...” You took a deep breath. “That I am suddenly developing a keen interest in proposal writing.”

Armin laughed and you felt the first stirrings of renewed hope rise in your chest.

 

* * *

 

Almost six months to the day later you found yourself leaning against the doorway to Armin’s office again. The blond was scratching away at one of the piles of paper that he never seemed able to quite defeat. They rustled softly in an early summer breeze that slipped through the open window. 

“Please don’t tell me that you forgot the paperwork.” Armin didn’t even look up from his desk as you stepped into his office. You sighed. Unfortunately as his confidence grew so did the attitude you’d only glimpsed hints of during your training days. And even that didn’t answer the mystery of how he always seemed to know who was at his door without looking.

“No, I got it.” You hesitated and rubbed at your side nervously. “There weren’t any problems when you picked up Annie, were there?”

He shook his head then irritably pushed his long bangs back when they fell into his face. “No. The COs honestly don’t give a shit and if they can’t use them as scapegoats they’re happier to have them out of sight and mind. They’re still in well over their heads with restructuring the government.”

“Good. I’m off then.” You turned then stopped with your hand on the door handle. “Hey, Armin?”

“Yeah?” 

“Thank you. This really... really means the world to me.” You heard the rustle of papers and wondered if he was actually listening. But of course he was. He was Armin. 

“Yeah... I know,” there was a smile in his voice, “So go bring him home already.”

 

* * *

 

You lay a hesitant hand on the cold bars of the cell and stared in horror at the limp body laying on a simple bed in the far corner. 

“Oh...” The soft exclamation had passed your lips before you’d thought to stop it. Instantly you straightened and turned to address the guards with the harsh tone that you’d found usually got even the most sullen recruits moving. “Wait outside.”

“But, sir-”

“ _Out_.” The venom you put into that one word had both grown men almost running for the door. As soon as it slammed behind them you put your hands over your face. You had not spent the last two years clawing your way up the ladder of command just to fuck this up now. You took a deep breath and tried to steady your shaking nerves. You let go of the bar, feeling like the floor might fall out from under you at any second now and send you spiralling into some abyss, then stepped carefully across the stone floor and pulled the keyring off of its rusty hook. It jangled loudly and you clutched it against your stomach as you walked back to the cell in an attempt to muffle the jarring noise.

It took you three tries to get the key into the lock.

When you turned it the lock was tight. You let out a curse and yanked at the key until it finally opened with an ominous clunk. The door clanged back on itself loudly when you shoved it open with a too-forceful hand. You stood there in the doorway and stared at Bertolt’s limp form as the echoes died away. He hadn’t so much as twitched at all the noise.

You took a hesitant step forward then another and another until you collapsed on your knees beside the bed. You grabbed his shoulder and rolled him onto his back. He had his eyes closed. His long face was peaceful but strange dark scars trailed away from his eyes down across his cheeks and up over his forehead. Just like Eren after he transformed.

“Bertolt...” It came out almost a sob and you didn’t even realize you were crying until hot tears splashed down onto his face. He didn’t move. Your mind flashed back to what you’d heard of the trial. Reiner had been proud and stalwart throughout the ordeal, Annie her usual unreadable self, but Bertolt... 

After the judge had pronounced their sentence of imprisonment for life — the expected execution order stayed by their last-minute return to humanities’ side and their invaluable assistance in winning the final battles — the crowd had begun screaming its displeasure and hatred and the guards had been forced to take his arms and guide him out like a blind man. Eyes open and empty as the window of an abandoned home, Connie had told you. Had Bertolt been like this since then? Did he even know he wasn’t dead?

Terror tightened around your heart like an iron vice as the words of your broken promise from so long ago echoed in your mind. Even with near constant work it had taken nearly six months for you, Armin, and the COs of Survey Corp to work out the contracts to allow all the reformed titan-shifters to be assigned to the care of the Survey Corp for so long as they had personal handlers capable of exterminating them and could be kept out on long-range exploratory missions. Annie had been released two months ago, Reiner one. Were you too late now? Bertolt was still warm, still breathing, but...

You grabbed him by the shoulders and shook him. Shook him until the bony arm that had been lying over his stomach flopped away and his knuckles cracked against the stone wall. The sick noise broke you out of your panic and you let your head fall against his chest while you caught your breath.

As your breathing calmed you began to hear the steady beat of his heart under your ear. It was so slow you almost hadn’t noticed it. You sucked in a long breath. He was still here. You were still here. He was yours to take care of now, if nothing else. You sat up and dug in your pockets for a handkerchief to wipe the snot and tears from your face.

You could deal with this. 

You moved into a crouch then grabbed him by one long arm and pulled him over your back in a fireman’s carry. You rose to your feet slowly. God, the man was light for his size. He’d filled out more in the years you’d been separated but you would never have been able to tell from weight alone. You tightened your grip on him and ignored the way the old injury on your side protested the strain. When you’d found your balance you began making your slow way out of the cell and up the long stairs. 

When you got to the top you kicked the door. Harder than necessary judging by the near-panic on the face of the guard who wrenched it open. “Sir!” 

You brushed past him. “I’ve already submitted the paperwork. You’re dismissed.”

“But, sir,” The man with the unicorn embroidered over his heart took a few quick steps backward to keep in your line of sight. “We should accompany you-”

“ _Dismissed_.” You let the word snap out like a whip. He cringed and you almost felt guilty. You didn’t bear these men any ill-will but you didn’t have the energy to deal with them right now either.

You made your slow way out of the dungeon and into the yard purposely ignoring all off the baffled stares directed your way. When you reached the stables you did finally allow one of the stable hands to help you get the comatose man up onto your horse in front of you and tie the reigns of your spare to your saddle for you. 

It was a long ride back to Survey Corp headquarters. 

When you pulled up in the castle courtyard Reiner and Annie were waiting for you. You glanced around and spotted a completely unrepentant-looking Armin lounging on a few bales of hay. You shot him a glare but he only waved a hand at you casually.

Goddamned gossip.

As he took in the way Berolt was slumped over with only your arm around the man’s waist holding him up his expression changed to one of alarm. He jumped to his feet and began to hurry over but Reiner was beside you and was already reaching up for Bertolt’s limp figure.

“What’s wrong with him?” The stocky blond man eased Bertolt’s lanky body down to the ground and cradled the tall man’s head in his lap. Annie was frowning at the way his face remained perfectly still despite the jostling.

You let out a deep sigh and slid off your horse. They were his childhood friends. You couldn’t really begrudge them their own worries just because you were upset. And they had been kind to you these last few weeks while you’d been negotiating the final points of Bertolt’s contract, helping you understand what they’d gone through as you helped them reintegrate with some of your old friends in return. You crouched beside Bertolt to check his pulse for the umpteenth time since you’d retrieved him. “I don’t know. They told me he got worse pretty quick after the trial. The guards said they haven’t even been able to force-feed him since he locked his jaw two months ago...” You resolutely swallowed the tightness in your own throat.

A gentle hand settled on your shoulder and you looked up to find Armin leaning over you. His eyes held a strange mix of anger and pity. “He’s withdrawn into himself completely?”

You rubbed the back of your hand across your eyes trying to convince yourself that you weren’t about to cry again. “Yeah. Did you know?”

“No,” His hand tightened and his voice sounded like the calm before the storm. “I would have warned you if I did. They’ve kept this very quiet.”

Reiner was still holding Bertolt’s still form. His eyes held a deep sadness as he looked up at Armin. “You’ve seen this before?”

“It’s similar to when I went into the crystal. Or the titans in the walls.” Annie’s voice was low.

The small blond's face gave away nothing when you looked at her. You took a deep breath. “Fine then. You came out maybe he can, too. Armin, can you take care of the horses? Reiner, can you help me get him to my room? He can stay there until I figure this out.”

“Of course,” Armin said softly.

“Sure.” Reiner lifted Bertolt’s still form easily in his arms and you lead the blond man into the castle. You glanced back and saw Armin rubbing Annie’s back as she stared after you with hollow, hopeless eyes. Determination flared up in your heart. You had him back. You were going to figure this out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Come visit me on Tumblr.](http://wingedmermaid.tumblr.com/tagged/writing)
> 
>  
> 
> Works inspired by this: [Winter Breeze](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1738901) by KittyIttyKirchtein - A really cute little story about a Reader out on a winter expedition with Bertolt.


	11. Come Back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How do you save the one you love when they’re already slipping off the edge and the dirt under your own feet is beginning to crumble?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again for sticking with my story and for the kudos and sweet comments you’ve left! It means so much to me to know that some of you are enjoying this. This chapter hurt a lot to write but I hope you think it’s worth it at the end.
> 
> And a huge thank you to [torturousdaydreams](http://archiveofourown.org/users/torturousdaydreams) (also on [Tumblr](http://torturous-daydreams.tumblr.com/)) for helping me beta this chapter!!!
> 
> Warnings for: blood, violence, gore

You flung yourself off of the swiftly deteriorating form of a titan, screaming for your teammates to reform around your fallen leader and start retreating as your 3DMG propelled you toward another titan homing in on your group. Somewhere in the distance you knew the Corps’ own titan shifters were working to turn the tide of chaos but over here on the edge where your team had been split away from the main squad there was no one to rely on but yourselves. To add to the confusion many of the titans were going berserk caught between the influence of Eren and the Ape titan. You got a lucky shot as a pair of your teammates rode in front of the titan and you swung around the giant beast, landing and slicing deep into its neck with your blades then jumping clear as it began to topple. As soon as you hit the ground again you were sprinting back to your team.

“Get her in the cart!” someone yelled.

You helped heave the limp form of your team leader into the wagon then pushed a young man with a badly bleeding arm in as well. “Go!” The cart took off toward the dubious safety of the walls with a small escort and you turned with the rest to look for the next threat. A wave of dizziness passed over you but you managed to disguise your stagger by grabbing a nearby horse. After that last landing the hastily bandaged knife wound those damn Military Police had given you was probably bleeding again but there was no time for that now. With not enough horses and only sparse forest covering the area you sent the most experienced members up into the trees and got as many of the rest on horses as possible, yourself included. 

As a group you moved back toward the main battle. You were close enough to see the titan shifters locked in battle with each other and the smaller forms of humans zipping around them when a flare went up from your left flank. The heavy footsteps of an approaching titan shook the ground and you turned your head to find what looked like an eight metre class bearing down on you, trying to cut you off. You changed out your notched blades for fresh ones and stood in your saddle before firing your 3DMG. The world whipped by as you flew past the titan to land heavily on a branch just behind it. You could hear the yells of some of the rest of your squad, there must be another nearby, but you focused on taking out the one before you. Luckily it was one of the slower ones and didn’t have any special abilities. Maybe small enough to save. Along with three of your squadmates you managed to distract and hamstring the thing then collectively destroy its limbs to the point where the shifter antidote could be safely administered. You left the creature to the care of one of the medical team members and took a deep breath.

Before you had time to exhale a scream echoed through the sparse trees and you were off again. This next one was a fourteen metre class and had one of the youngest members of your team in its hand. You swore as you launched yourself at its head, trying to distract it. As you flew in front of its nose a hand snapped out and grabbed at your wire. You released the hook and the cable twisted away and out of its reach. But when you shot out your other wire to catch yourself it threw the man it was holding at the ground and simply reached for you. A shifter. Your abused body couldn’t seem to spin away fast enough. Fingers tightened around you and you screamed at your squad to retreat, to get away to the main body of fighters until a deep roar from somewhere nearby drowned out your voice. The monster’s head jerked around and it tossed you aside as it turned to face the new threat. Branches ripped and tore at you as you crashed through them and the world started to go white around the edges. 

The next thing you knew there was dull pain everywhere. Your eyes flew open only to meet the vacant gaze of a small titan fixed on you as it opened its mouth impossibly wide and lifted you toward its face. The deep roar came again, closer this time, and you began to struggle weakly until blunt teeth slowly ripped into your side and you started screaming. As you scrabbled uselessly at the giant hand holding you a spray of blood erupted from the back of its neck. The world shifted and arms wrapped around you as you slid from the now lax jaws of the slowly falling titan. You heard a soft curse but your field of view was slowly narrowing down into tunnels and without peripheral vision you were forced to turn your head to see who was holding you. But before you could get a glimpse the arms were gone and there was an explosion of light and heat. You were thrown through the air again but this time something soft and almost too warm for comfort broke your fall. As the blinding pain of impact faded and you remembered how to breathe you looked up to find an enormous green eye peering down at you as a huge thumb bent to hover hesitantly over your sprawled form.

“Bertolt...” Despite the pain trying to drag you under you reached up with your left hand to touch the almost burning hot pad of his thumb. You somehow dredged up the energy to smile at him. His head lowered slowly, the one eye you could see narrowing, but your eyelids were getting impossibly heavy. The massive hand closed carefully around you as he began to move, each footstep a small earthquake, and you let your arm fall back to your side as oblivion stole your consciousness away.

 

* * *

 

You jerked awake, breathing heavily. Just a nightmare. Just the same nightmare you always had. You were sitting upright in your own bed with Bertolt’s long, thin hand still gripped tightly in yours. You collapsed back against the headboard as you forced yourself to remember how to breathe all over again. 

You’d had a cot set up in the small study adjoining your bedroom for yourself but it was just for show. You’d spent every bit of free time you’d had in the last few weeks in this bed with him. Every minute trying to convince yourself he wasn’t slipping away. It was slow, far slower than made any sort of scientific or practical sense, but he was gradually wasting away with each day. 

You ran your fingertips over his palm then touched your own side and felt the scars. His usually warm body was almost the same temperature as yours now. You let out a sad little bark of laughter. Even his titan powers couldn’t keep him here if he didn’t want to be. And despite all the recent breakthroughs no one understood enough about them to tell you how to fix him.

Commander Hanji had been kind (or more likely fed up) enough to excuse you from duty for a few days after you’d nearly ripped the throats out of a group of cadets who’d been playing stupid pranks. There was no end to the little beggars now that the titans were gone. And since you were barely sleeping, waking every hour or so to check that Bertolt was still breathing beside you, your patience for their antics had completely vanished.

You hardly left your room anymore. You couldn’t stand the pity in the eyes of the other officers. The eyes of your friends. Someone understood and was leaving meals outside your door for you and although you barely touched the food you were endlessly grateful.

Reiner and Annie had both been by some time earlier and you’d gone to take a bath so they could have time alone with their friend. On your return their faces had told you the same sad news that everyone else’s did. No one really expected him to wake up because no one knew why he’d closed himself off in the first place. Talking to him didn’t work, touching him didn’t work, even hurting him (under the careful guidance of a medic) had failed. The head medical officer and Commander Hanji had both given him another week or two at most.

You wrapped your arms around his head and buried your face in his lank hair. “Wake up, damn you...” The words came out as more of a plea than anything. Tears stung at your tired eyes. You clenched one hand tight in his too-long dark hair and curled around him. “Come back. You come back to me _right now_ , Bertolt!”

There was a small noise and you froze. It almost sounded like he’d sighed. You lifted your head and looked down at him. But nothing had changed. Maybe you really were going crazy. 

You sat up and put a gentle hand on his chest, bare for ease of care. It continued its steady, too-slow rise and fall under your hand. “Bertolt? How can I protect you if you’re just gonna let yourself die? I need you and you’re damn well going to _come back to me!!_ ” The final words came out as a scream. The echo bounced around your stone room before fading into silence again. Startled by the force of your own helpless anger you sat silently for a long moment. When you moved you found that you’d dug your nails into Bertolt’s skin so hard that small beads of blood were welling up. You forced your hand to unclench and pulled it back to fall in your own lap. 

Slowly, very slowly, faint wisps of steam began to rise from the wounds. You sighed and reached for a handkerchief to dab at them. Titan shifter. Titan blood. Blood. Your tired mind turned the new thought over slowly. _Gentle fingers wiping a smear of blood from your face then finding their way to his mouth. An eager tongue lapping at your bloodied lip during a kiss. Strong arms pressing you against his chest as you hid behind a cart while he dragged his hot tongue over some shallow cuts you’d received during that first expedition beyond the wall..._

You fumbled around in the drawer of your side-table for a moment until you found a metal nail file. Well. It would do in a pinch. You held your non-dominant hand up and stabbed it viciously into the pad of your index finger. It hurt like hell but when you pulled the file back bright blood welled up from the ugly little puncture wound, the skin around it already bruising. You gently parted Bertolt’s lips with your fingers so you could smear the blood over his teeth. Then you sat back and watched him for a few long minutes. Nothing happened. You massaged your finger until bright drops of blood plopped down onto his mouth, painting his lips and teeth crimson. You could feel the too-familiar dampness of tears on your cheeks as the drops of blood slowed and then stopped despite your frantic efforts. You rested your injured hand on his chest and squeezed your eyes shut. 

“I-I need you to c-come back, please, you p-promised...” Even in your own ears the small whisper sounded broken. You took a shaky breath and forced your eyes to open and slide back up to that peaceful, still face. Steam suddenly burst from the marks on his chest as they vanished and his whole body heaved as he started to choke. You froze for a moment then grabbed him and slid an arm under his torso and lifted him so he could clear his throat more easily. When he finally stopped coughing he looked up at you, green eyes dull but alert.

“Bertolt...” You ran a hand gently over his cheek.

“You’re not-” his voice cracked, gravelly with disuse, but he forced the words out anyway, “Not just a dream?” You shook your head and gave his cheek a rough pinch. He made a little noise of pain then tried to crack a small, weak smile. “You’re not dead...” You shook your head again and tried to smile back but felt it dissolve into tears and threw yourself on top of him as you began howling like a baby. You could feel his hands tentatively touching your back as you locked your arms around his neck.

“H-hug me already, you _asshole!_ ” You snarled into his neck in between sobs and his arms tightened around you until your ribs hurt. You cried until you didn’t have anything left inside you then you just lay there and breathed with him. He was warming up slowly and you could feel sweat beginning to dampen your shirt. You didn’t care who’s it was.

The door creaked open and you had just enough energy to turn and look over your shoulder. A blond head peered cautiously around it wearing a concerned look. You gave Armin a tiny smile and he frowned as he took in the situation, clearly having expected something different, before a huge smile split his face.

“Bring us some food?” You asked, surprised at just how rough your voice was.

“Right away!” He disappeared.

You propped yourself up on your hands and wearily wiggled your way up until you were straddling Bertolt’s bony hips. But when you lowered your head to kiss him he turned his face away. You sat back and narrowed your eyes to give him your fiercest glare. “ _Bertolt_.”

He squeezed his eyes shut and mumbled, “You can’t... I can’t be forgiven...”

You grabbed his face in your hands and kissed him until he had no choice but to kiss you back, ignoring the lingering taste of your blood in his mouth. When you finally pulled back his lips were swollen and you were crying again, tears dripping down onto his cheeks and into his dark hair. He sucked in a breath to speak but you covered his mouth with your hand.

“No. Don’t you _dare_. I have waited for this for two bloody years and it’s too goddamn late for you to get out now.”

Bertolt blinked at you and you made a pathetic attempt at brushing your tears from his face with your free hand. “Just- just listen to me. I forgave you ages ago, Bertolt. It wasn’t even your fault. How could you know any better when those monsters were lying to you and manipulating you? We killed those bastards. Inside and outside the wall we killed them all. And we couldn’t have done it without you. You risked your life again and again after you came back and-,” your voice broke and you lay your forehead against his and closed your eyes. It took a little while before you could manage to swallow and continue, “You’re the one who needs to f-forgive me. For making you wait so d-damn long after I p-promised to p-protect you.”

Bertolt made a muffled noise under your hand.

Someone coughed behind you and you sat up slowly to look back at the door. Armin was standing there with a tray in his hands and a shit-eating grin plastered across his face. You could see a few other smiles poking around the door frame behind him.

“Are we interrupting? I can come back later...” Armin’s smile somehow grew even wider.

“Give me that food and get out.” You growled, the spark of anger in your chest restoring a little of your energy.

“Not a chance!” Reiner’s deep voice rang out as he barged past the smaller blond and made a beeline for the bed. Large hands closed around your waist and he lifted you right off of Bertolt, setting you gently to the side.

You found yourself almost pushed off the bed as a handful of comrades from your training days poured in after him and surrounded Bertolt, all chattering at him at once. You slid off the bed and turned only to find yourself facing a smirking Armin. 

“Ar-mumph!” He jammed a bun into your open mouth. You pulled it out and glared at him. “What the hell?!”

“Eat.” His smile softened and he gestured toward Bertolt. When you turned to look you saw that Reiner and Connie were shovelling food from another tray into the emaciated man at an alarming rate. Jean was standing by the bed with his arms crossed firmly over his chest but an unusually soft expression on his face. You could hear Sasha gushing something about Ymir and Historia coming to visit in a few days. Bertolt, overwhelmed by so many people clearly glad to see him, had started to cry, and Annie was blotting the tears from his cheeks with the edge of her sleeve, a small smile gracing her lips. “He’s well taken care of.”

“Armin...” You grabbed onto the blond man’s shoulder for support as your knees threatened to give out and he helped you over and into a simple wooden chair that sat in the corner by the window. You buried your face in your hands and focused on your breathing.

“You.” Armin stroked a hand through your messy hair. “Are going to eat this. Then you are going to sleep for at least a whole day while we feed that big idiot up some. Then you will bathe. And after that both of you are going to get out and do some training because our next expedition leaves in a week.” 

“What?” You raised your head to find him crouched in front of you. “A week?”

“That’s how long it’ll take me to get everything organized.” Armin smiled gently, the corners of his blue eyes crinkling. “And you’re both coming.”

You let out a surprised little laugh. “What if he doesn’t want to come?”

“Too damn bad.” Armin stood and pressed a warm bowl of soup into your hands. “And anyway, he’s stuck with you now.”

“But...”

“Oh get over yourself.” Armin stuck the bun back in your mouth and chuckled softly when you shot him a baleful glare. “After all of that why the hell would he have woken up if he didn’t want to be with you?”

You blinked.

“There you go. Give that brain of yours some exercise.” Armin patted you on the head, purposefully condescending, before turning away and pushing his way into the mess of people on and around your bed to welcome Bertolt back into the land of the living.

You took a thoughtful bite of the bun. Before you realized what you were doing you’d inhaled the food. The jerk had a point. You stood and tried to crawl back onto the bed to get to Bertolt — already looking like he might fall asleep again at any moment — but Reiner intervened and scooped you up again, tossing you over his shoulder like you weighed nothing and hauling you off to the spare cot despite your protests. 

He set you down gently with a huge grin on his face and you wondered when you’d last seen him really smile. A long time judging from how foreign and familiar it was all at once. He took your hand and squeezed it in his own. “Thank you.”

You smiled back, bemused. “For what?”

“Whatever the hell you did to make him wake up.”

“Blood,” you murmured sleepily.

“What?” Reiner’s face fell a little.

“I gave him blood. You like it, right? Shifters...”

“Yeah... we do.” His mouth quirked to the side as he tucked the blanket up around your chin with his free hand. “Well, if it worked I can't complain. We’ll take care of him for a bit so you go ahead and sleep.”

“Thanks.” You squeezed his hand back and let your eyes fall closed. They were so heavy. “Please tell Armin he’s dead if I ever find out he drugged me.” Reiner’s deep laughter was the last thing you heard before sleep dragged you down into dreamless slumber.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Come visit me on Tumblr.](http://wingedmermaid.tumblr.com/tagged/writing)
> 
> Works inspired by this: [Winter Breeze](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1738901) by KittyIttyKirchtein - An adorable story about a Reader out on a winter expedition with Bertolt.


	12. Picking up the threads

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You and Bertolt finally get your chance to start over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is pretty much just a giant ball of fluff. I hope you’re all okay with that. And thank you all for the sweet comments and kudos! I’m so glad you’re all enjoying Reader and Bertolt’s silly little story!
> 
> Warnings: Mention of past suicidal thoughts

When you came to you were back in your own bed curled on your side against something warm. There was a long arm wrapped around your waist. You raised your head and found Bertolt propped up in the bed and smiling down at you, face lit by soft candlelight and no longer quite so emaciated although his cheeks were still hollow and his titan shifter scars were still prominent. “Hey.”

“Hey.” You let out a sigh of relief and wiggled closer so you could hug him tightly. 

“I made Reiner bring you back when everyone left.” His deep voice sounded smooth and normal again and you felt the last of the residual tension melt from your core. 

“Good.” You found his hand and fit your fingers between his.

“Thank you.” He squeezed your hand in his.

You frowned at him in confusion. “For what?”

“For finding me.” His eyes slid away to stare out the dark window. “Even when-”

“ _Enough_.” 

His eyes flicked back to yours, wide with alarm, and you softened the harsh word with a small smile. 

“I’ll always find you no matter where you go.”

A faint smile curled at the corners of his mouth. “You really have become a predator. Armin told me you made Senior Team Leader just so you could have a say in getting me back in the Corps...” His hand tightened hesitantly around yours. “Does death owe you one yet?”

“ _Bertolt_.” You rolled over so your head was lying in his lap and grinned at him. “Kiss me?”

He bent down and found your mouth with his. It was slow and gentle, both of you taking your time to explore and learn each other again. When you slid your tongue into his mouth he tasted the way you remembered with just a hint the spice left from the soup you’d eaten earlier. As you began to pull back he fastened gentle teeth on your lower lip and tugged and you couldn’t help the tiny groan it coaxed from your throat.

You took his face between your hands and pushed him back just a little so you could look at him. “You still don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.”

Green eyes searched yours. “Will you eat me if I don’t listen to you, wolf girl?”

“Yes.” You gave him a flat look as you squished his cheeks together with your palms. “Now, tell me what you did with my shy Bertolt.”

Bertolt smiled a little. “I finally decided something for myself.”

You smiled and ran the pads of your thumbs over his cheekbones the same way you’d done years before. “I’m glad. What was it?”

He lowered his face again until you were breathing the same warm air and closed his eyes. “That being yours is more important than anything else.”

You tried to chuckle but it caught in your throat and tears welled in your eyes. You blinked rapidly. “I-I couldn’t give up on you. Not even when you ran away.”

“You’re why I decided to come back with Reiner and Ymir.” He rested his forehead against yours. “Even though it was painful I had to...”

Your vision blurred and you felt tears spill over to trickle down through your hair. “I’m going to get so strong that no one will ever dare touch you again.”

“You already are.” Bertolt opened his eyes and kissed the tip of your nose. “But that’s not what I meant. It was easy to come back. Easy to fight. But afterwards I couldn’t handle the guilt. All the death I caused and all the hate. When you were injured during the battle, I thought I was too late and I... I don’t really remember much after that. Armin said I went berserk... Then when you didn’t come to the trial, I was sure you must have died. So many people did die. It was too much-” His breath hitched in his throat and you made pathetic little worried noises as you sat up to run your hands over his face and neck, trying to touch as much of him as you could. 

“I’m so sorry. The med team kept me drugged for weeks...”

He shook his head then let out a long breath and continued. “I spent my time dreaming while I was... away. I thought it would be better if I just disappeared. So when I heard your voice again, I thought it was just another memory. But you kept talking and then I heard you yelling and then when I tasted you I... I just couldn’t help myself. I had to see. Even if it wasn’t really you. Even if you hated me for being a murderer. I’m so selfish-”

“Of course I need you! Who else is gonna be there to catch me when I do stupid shit?” You laughed shakily and pulled him closer. “Walls, Bertolt, we’re all murderers. Any of us who’s ever killed a titan. We’ve all had to come to terms with that. And I... I’ve done some terrible things, too, you can ask Commander Hanji later if you want, but...” You took a deep breath and snorted back some of the snot trying to leak out your nose. He let out a little huff of surprised laughter at the sound and you gave him a weak smile. “I don’t really know what to do with myself without you. That’s the real reason I made Senior Team Leader. I just kept following orders and fighting my way forward hoping maybe somehow I’d get to you in the end.”

“Then it’s a lucky thing that you’re stuck with me now.” Bertolt nuzzled his face into your hair and took a deep breath.

“And you’re lucky I bathed today.” You let out a shaky sigh and turned your face so you could see his eyes. “Kiss me again you big idiot.”

“Yes.” A familiar shiver travelled down his back and he took your face in his hands. You would have smiled but he was kissing you like he wanted to devour you, body and soul. When he let you go, you were gasping for air and you could feel the flush burning up your cheeks. You leaned your forehead against his. “Speaking of, have you had a bath yet?”

“No,” Bertolt shifted and his lips kissed a slow path along the line of your jaw.

“Come on, then,” you sighed and slid off of the bed. “Armin wants us fit for practice tomorrow.”

“Armin can go to hell,” Bertolt mumbled with some heat but submitted and let you help him to his feet.

“I like this new side of you,” you said, giving him a peck on the cheek as he took a moment to make sure he’d found his balance. Bertolt let you tuck yourself under his arm and you began to make your slow way toward the bathing rooms. It wasn’t a long walk but by the time you slid him onto one of the benches he was pale and sweating. You lit the fire under one of the copper boilers and as soon as you had the bath running went back to sit beside him. 

“Are you hungry? Thirsty? Anything?” You took his hand in yours and ran calloused fingers over his baby-soft ones.

“Just tired,” Bertolt leaned his tall form against you and sat quietly for a long moment before continuing. “Armin was saying something about side effects earlier. Before I had a nap.”

“Annie had a bit of a rough time after we got her back...” You thought for a moment about the weeks Armin had spent helping her hobble around while she regained her mobility and strength after breaking free from her crystal. “Maybe it’s good that your... hibernation styles? Are very different.”

Bertolt began to laugh softly. “Hibernation styles?”

You rolled your eyes. “Well, whatever. We can think of better terms later. Sit up, please.” The water had reached the halfway mark in the tub and you helped Bertolt up and propped his tall form against the wall so you could begin stripping him. You bit your lip when you saw just how deep the indents between his ribs still were. He let you help him into the tub and lay back against the curved metal lip with a long, heartfelt sigh. 

You ran your fingers through his hair and he tilted his head back so he could look up at you with his gentle green eyes. You smiled down at him. “I’ll take care of everything. You just relax.” 

“Alright,” he said softly and closed his eyes again.

When you were only halfway done working soap into his hair you heard a small snore. You glanced down and sure enough he was already asleep. You laughed softly to yourself and continued bathing him. From time to time you were forced to dodge small waves as one of his long limbs twitched and sent water shooting up the side of the tub. You drained the tub and managed to get him rinsed then, through the use of a large number of towels, got him mostly dried off where he was. But when it came time to get him out of the tub you were faced with a conundrum. You didn’t want to wake him but you weren’t sure that you could get him out of the tub and onto your shoulders without hurting one or both of you. You were forced to wrap him in more dry towels to keep him warm and then went to wake Reiner to help you wrestle the tall, limp, and still slightly damp form back to your room and safely into the bed.

“’Night...” Reiner mumbled groggily as he stumbled off back to his own room, still not completely awake. You sent a worried glance after him but one overgrown comatose man was more than you could handle already so you let him find his own way back. After a long look at the sleeping form sprawled on the bed you decided that enough was enough and simply tucked a towel under Bertolt’s wet head then changed into your own pajamas and joined him under the covers. You left a hand resting on his chest and let the steady rhythm of his breathing lull you into unconsciousness. Sleep came for you almost instantaneously.

 

* * *

 

You plopped down on the grass in the small field by the orchard and pulled Bertolt down with you. His long limbs folded like the short walk had been all he could handle after a morning filled with training and he settled with his head in your lap and body sprawled out to the side. He let out a long sigh. You smiled and bent to kiss his forehead. “You can tell me anything now, remember? What’s wrong?”

Bertolt turned where he lay in your lap so that his nose was pressed against your stomach and he could snake an arm around your hips. “Did it always hurt this much...?”

You leaned back on one arm, enjoying the feel of soft grass under your palm, and ran the fingers of your free hand through the short, dark strands of his his freshly cut hair. “Yes, I think so. I seem to remember weeks of agony when we started riding back in cadet training.”

“Ugh...” Bertolt groaned softly.

“Why don’t you just heal wherever it hurts then?” you asked, amused smile tugging at your lips.

He mumbled something into your shirt.

“Bertolt?”

He let out a deep sigh and raised his voice just enough for you to hear his words, “Because when I heal I steam.” 

You turned that over in your mind for a moment before remembering exactly where riding practice would be hurting him. When you began to laugh he cracked one bright green eye open and gave you a baleful look until you stopped. You wiped at your eyes and smiled down at him. “Oh, Bertolt...” He grumbled but settled back down and the two of you basked in the sun for a while.

The only unfortunate thing about this field was that it was alongside a shortcut running from the squad leader’s offices to the training field. As you were smoothing Bertolt’s hair to help him relax Jean walked by — no doubt on the way to check how his squad was doing on the other side of the courtyard — and the two of you exchanged polite nods. You knew perfectly well you were abusing the ‘leave’ you’d been put on, hiding away from the training field in obvious violation of the fraternization rules with Bertolt, and were grateful that he didn’t seem inclined to stop and chew you out today. Not everyone had been quite as forgiving as Connie and Sasha but you held out hope that with time old wounds would heal. Eren in particular was still dealing with a lot of pent up anger and betrayal but as he was often away with the elite squad it was simple enough for the rest of the titan shifters to stay out of his way if he didn’t want to see them.

“Hey!” 

As someone yelled your name Bertolt flinched and you tightened your fingers in his hair just enough to keep him where he was. “Shh, Bertolt, rest...” you murmured. When he stilled you resumed stroking his head and turned to look.

Connie trotted up, took one long look at the two of you, and waggled his eyebrows at you. “Not interrupting, am I?”

You felt Bertolt heat up under your hand and smiled a little. “Might be. What’s up, Connie?”

He snickered and Bertolt tightened his hold around your waist. “Armin wants you. Seems he’s changing up the command structure for this mission.”

“What?” You frowned. “Why?”

“Reasons,” Connie said as he turned toward the field where Reiner and Annie were still training under the Commander’s watch. “I’m getting a promotion. Go and ask him why if you think you can stop touching each other for five minutes!”

You flipped a rude gesture at him and he walked off chortling to himself. Idiot thought he was so funny. You were going to have to talk to Reiner. Maybe the big blond could help you think up a prank or something.

“Are you going to go...?” Bertolt was looking up at you. His new found confidence was as fragile as he seemed to be and faded with his strength whenever he overexerted himself.

“ _We’re_ going,” you told him softly. He sat up and you stood before offering him a hand to help him up. He held on to it even after he was firmly on his feet. You beamed at him. Fragile but not broken. He smiled back tentatively and you walked together toward the old castle.

 

* * *

 

“Hanji wanted me to inform you that you’re now officially on the books as Bertolt’s handler for the expedition.” Armin looked up from his papers just long enough to smirk at you. “You’ll have to share a tent. I hope that’s alright with you.”

Bertolt stiffed in the chair beside yours and you gripped his hand reassuringly. “I take it you’re Annie’s then?” You smiled at the blond sweetly.

Armin refused to rise to your bait and continued on in a no-nonsense tone, “Yes, but I can easily manage handling her in addition to managing my own squad. You, Senior Team Leader, are going to have some problems coordinating all eight Team Leaders while you are also dealing with him in his titan form.” He nodded at Bertolt whose grip on your hand tightened almost painfully. “So I’m assigning you an official second who can take care of things when you’re absent.”

“Oh.” You blinked and felt Bertolt relax. “A second? Really?”

“Really.” He set down his pen and gave you a look caught somewhere between amusement and exasperation. “Did you think I was going to let them reduce your rank just because you have extra responsibilities?” He snorted and irritably pushed his bangs back out of his face. “Commander Hanji knows perfectly well that I don’t have the time to train a replacement right now. I want a list of five candidates on my desk by breakfast tomorrow. Oh, also, Connie has been temporarily removed from Levi’s elite squad and assigned to Reiner-”

“Wait, wait,” you butted in. “One question.”

Armin sighed, “What.”

You leaned forward. “Will the second be taking over my cadets?”

Armin frowned. “Of course. We can’t just leave them all clinging to Bertolt’s titan form like baby bats every time we need to get something done.” You gave a relieved little sigh and Armin rolled his eyes before continuing, “Anyway, about Connie. We’re bumping him up to Remuneration Officer for the duration of the mission — just to avoid any potential griping about hierarchy — so if you’re in need of an extra pair of hands you can get him to support any of your team leaders. Most everyone in the Corps knows him or knows of him anyways.”

You nodded. “Noted. We’re going ahead with the plans we discussed before for shifter aided exploration then?”

Armin plucked a folder from by his elbow and handed it to you. “These are your formation diagrams and the theoretical methods the Commander has come up with for navigating through various obstacles.” He smiled at Bertolt. “We’re going to be counting on you.”

Bertolt nodded and managed a soft, “Of course,” in reply.

“Go on then. And make sure to eat something,” Armin said, dismissing you both with a wave.

 

* * *

 

“Bertolt?” you called, trotting out of the barely controlled chaos surrounding the wagons being loaded in the courtyard and around the side of the stables where it was quieter.

“Over here!” Reiner’s deep voice rolled over the ambient noise and you glanced around until you saw him waving from where he was reclining on some bales of hay tucked against the back of the barn. Beside him Connie was regaling Bertolt with some kind of story involving a lot of dramatic gestures. As you walked over Bertolt looked up with a smile on his face. You returned it.

“So she’s got him by the collar, right, and he tosses his plate away thinking it’s gonna be a fight but as the food hits the floor she tears up and starts-” Connie broke off mid sentence when he realized that Bertolt wasn’t paying attention to his story anymore. He grinned at you. “How’s the organization going, Senior Team Leader?”

“Ugh,” you groaned as you perched on a spare hay bale. “Thank the walls for Armin because I don’t think anyone else could get this shit done on schedule.” Bertolt tentatively reached out into the space between your bodies and twined his fingers with yours. You gave him a smile.

“Someone’s coming out of his shell now that half his life isn’t a secret,” Connie said as he leaned over to elbow Bertolt in the side, “Isn’t he, Rei?” Bertolt stiffened and opened his mouth but couldn’t seem to find the words he wanted.

Reiner chuckled and grabbed Connie by the arm, practically lifting him onto his feet. “Come on, Con. You still haven’t even started packing your things. You’re going to run out of time.”

“Remember, this is a public area!” Connie winked at both of you as he let Reiner drag him away.

“Remember we’re moving out in _two hours!_ ” you called after him.

“Is everything really going to be ready?” Bertolt shifted on the hay and stared at the ground.

“Yes.” You squeezed his hand. “How are you doing?”

“I-” He drew his brows together and frowned at the dirt in front of him. “Are they really going to accept me going along to help?”

You scooted over until your thighs were pressed together and leaned against his arm. “They will.”

“But...” Bertolt leaned against you and sighed. “I’m just me now. I’m not a soldier or a warrior anymore. I’m just...” he trailed off and swallowed.

“What you’re going to be is invaluable to all of them sooner or later. Plus the Commander has complete faith in you,” you said, giving him a gentle smile. “And so do I.”

Bertolt turned his worried green eyes on you and you reached up to cup his cheek in your hand. “Lean down, Bertolt.” He did and you kissed his forehead, then his nose, then his mouth. You let your lips linger against his. “You can be whatever you want to be. I’ll be watching your back.” 

“Thank you,” he breathed, covering your hand with his own and closing his eyes. You took to opportunity to lay soft kisses on each of them as well. 

“Senior Team Leader? Bertolt? Are either of you here?” An almost panicked call came from the front of the stables and you sighed.

Bertolt opened his eyes to look down at you and you grinned up at him. “You know, Bertolt, if we find somewhere we like out there we could just build an outpost and stay outside the walls forever.”

His green eyes widened then softened as he smiled, really smiled, at you. “Would the Commander let us?”

You shrugged. “If she won’t, we can desert. Build a little cabin in the middle of nowhere?” You ran your thumb along his cheekbone. “Maybe we could convince a few of the others to come with us and make a tiny village.”

“Somewhere to come back to,” Bertolt said softly.

“Somewhere to write our own future.” You leaned up and kissed him again. He groaned softly as you licked your way into his mouth.

“Senior Team Leader! Where are you?! Squad Leader Jean says our squad is heading out with or without you!” The yell was shrill and definitely edging into panic now.

You pulled back and Bertolt made a disappointed noise. You rose and offered him your hand. He took it and stood and you pulled his tall form close enough to bump your hip against his. “If nothing else I’m going to find a way for us to get ‘lost’ from time to time in the woods while we’re out there.”

Bertolt’s eyes darkened and he bent to nuzzle your ear and whisper your name, “Oh, please...”

It was your turn to shiver as you pulled him after you and headed toward the voice of your now pleading second. “Oh yes. As often as I can damn well manage.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *takes a deep breath* Oh my gosh I can’t believe it’s over. Thank you so much for reading all the way to the end!!! I hope you enjoyed it. 
> 
> Also, I am giving no promises for when it’s gonna be finished but I’ve started working on a little bonus epilogue chapter that happens out on the expedition. I’m hoping to post it in a week or two. It’s also going to be fluff. And ~~quite probably~~ maybe smut.
> 
> Works inspired by this: [Winter Breeze](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1738901) by KittyIttyKirchtein - An adorable story about a Reader out on a winter expedition with Bertolt. (KittyIttyKirchtein, where did you go, sweetie? You should drop me a line in my [askbox on tumblr](http://wingedmermaid.tumblr.com/ask) and let me know if there's somewhere else I can check out your stories!)


	13. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A bonus chapter featuring Reader and Bertolt out on an expedition beyond the walls with the Survey Corps.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for sticking with Reader and Bertolt until the end of this! I'm sorry it took so long to get this chapter out and I hope that you enjoy it!!
> 
> Warnings: Contains explicit content, mentions of blood, mentions of drugs (just for assisting sleep).

Water splashed up around you in a great wave as the enormous titan form collapsed in the middle of the river. Bertolt erupted out of its neck and you wrapped an arm around his torso, sliced away the last strands of muscle connecting him to the titan, then fired your wires into a tree on the far bank. You still got soaked as you jumped from the quickly disintegrating arm and skidded across the water at high speed but it was marginally better than trying to swim. 

When you reached the edge of the water Reiner, Jean and Connie were there on the shore to help haul you both out and lay Bertolt down on the grass. Reiner murmured something to the nearly comatose man as he gently set a hand on his forehead and you saw Bertolt turn his head and try to reply before he went limp. Moving the wagons was never a problem but it took so long to load all the horses into the transport boxes before he could life them over whatever obstacle was in the way and then again to unload them on the other side that he was usually past the point of being able to move himself for a few hours when he emerged from his titan form. 

“Are you sure he’s okay? He looks like shit.” Jean was chewing on his lower lip as he looked down at Bertolt’s steaming form.

“He’ll be fine.” Reiner was a little more subdued than normal, golden eyes sunken and tired after spending half the morning bashing through fallen logs and other barriers as he literally broke trail for the expedition.

Connie reached up to lay a hand on Reiner’s shoulder. “He actually looks less wrecked than last time.” The small man shot you a grin. “I will admit that the man has some impressively fine facial structure but I prefer people with at least a _little_ meat on their bones.” After a shocked pause you and Reiner both erupted into hash laughter as Jean crossed his arms and levelled an unimpressed look at the lot of you. 

“Connie! That’s not funny!” you protested through your snickering.

“But you’re laughin’,” he pointed out with a chuckle of his own. “And you have to admit he looked pretty funny without a face.”

Jean turned his concerned frown on you and you straightened your back and tried to smother your laughter. “You’re sure you don’t want us to wait.”

“Naw,” you said, looking over at a nearby tree that someone had already tied two horses to. “We’ll catch up like we did last time. You’re not really pushing the pace with all those wagons.” You were interrupted by a loud roar that made both Reiner and Bertolt flinch despite the fact that the latter was still passed out. You sighed. “And it looks like they’ve got Eren out which means more rough terrain ahead.”

Jean sighed then twisted his mouth into a resigned frown. “Great. Well. We’ll see you at camp then. Send up a flare if you have any trouble. I’ll keep someone on lookout for you.”

“Yeah, same if you need us for anything.” You bumped Reiner’s shoulder with your fist. “You’d better take another nap in one of the wagons.”

“Yeah. Take care of Bertolt.” He gave you a small smile before heading off after Jean who was already bellowing orders to his squad as they finished regrouping and organizing on the banks.

“Will do,” you called as you grabbed Connie by the arm, holding him back until Reiner was far enough away that the rush of the river would drown out your words. “Seriously, Connie, make sure he sleeps. If he keeps up like this he’s gonna fall apart.”

Connie smiled ruefully. “I’d like to but he keeps himself up worrying about everyone. You know how he is.”

“Oh come on Connie you’re his handler.” You darted a glance back at Bertolt. “And I’m not supposed to know this but Armin has access to some good drugs. I, um, I use the knock out ones on Bertolt on nights after he’s had to transform. He get these nightmares sometimes...”

“Seriously?” Connie had an eyebrow raised. You nodded and he whistled. “Wondered if you were dealing with any of those. Reiner gets them pretty bad sometimes, too.”

You grimaced. “Well, I don’t know about you but after the first time I got woken up by some one-hundred and ninety pounds of sleepwalking man trying to ‘save’ me because he was having a nightmare about me dying I explored my options.”

Connie’s expression shifted to gleeful mirth. “You aren’t serious. He tries to save you in his sleep? That is fuckin’ _precious_.”

You felt a traitorous burn in your cheeks and covered it with a scowl. “You just wait, Connie. One of these nights all... what, two-hundred and — twenty? thirty? — or so pounds of Reiner is gonna be crouched on your shoulders and shaking the hell out of you while he sobs all over and _then_ what are you going to do.”

Connie’s face paled. “I’ll talk to Armin.”

You tried to smirk but it wavered and turned into a smile halfway through. “Yeah, good.” You began to laugh softly. “In hindsight it _was_ kind of cute.” Connie smirked and opened his mouth but you rushed to cut him off before he could say anything, “ _But_ it was scary as hell when it was happening!”

He just laughed and walked off to join the others. You gave an annoyed sigh and wondered how soon that story was going to come back and bite you in the ass as you went to get your fresh clothing and a book from the packs on your horse. As soon as everyone was out of sight you shucked off your wet clothes and pulled on the blessedly moisture-free spare uniform, spreading your wet things and your harness and jacket out to dry before sitting by Bertolt. You pulled one of his hands into your lap and massaged it gently as he steamed softly in the sunshine.

“Are they gone?” he murmured sleepily. 

“Yeah.” You wove your fingers between his. “It’s just us.”

“Mm...” He nuzzled his face against your thigh. “You don’t really drug me, do you?”

You laughed softly. “What do you think is in that tea I give you, sweetheart?”

He paused and opened his eyes to give you a dirty look. “You...”

“Hellion?” You offered helpfully as you rubbed your thumb over the back of his hand. “Ice-hearted vixen?”

He chuckled and his gaze softened. “I am not going to read you any more of those racy novels Armin lends you if they keep affecting your vocabulary like this.”

“Don’t lie. You will, too.” You ran your fingers through his soft hair. “You never asked me what was in the tea so I never thought to tell you.”

“It’s fine,” he lay his head in your lap. “I trust you.”

“I...” You felt your heart swell and curled your fingers possessively around the back of his neck. “Thank you.”

He smiled up at you. “Besides, you usually steal sips from my cup.”

“Ugh, you colossal shit,” you said without venom. Bertolt stiffened but you just leaned your head back. “Do you think we should tell Reiner to start reading racy novels to Connie at bedtime?” you mused quietly, staring up at the small clouds chasing each other across the sky. “It seems to help _you_ relax.”

Bertolt made a little gurgling noise then dissolved into helpless laughter. You smiled at the sky and closed your eyes, soaking up his happiness along with the sunshine as the wind ruffled your hair. Cajoling Jean and the team leaders into allowing you to steal a few precious hours alone ‘recuperating’ this way had been one of the better decisions you’d made recently. When his laughter had subsided into small chuckles you looked back down at him, smiling fondly. “Go to sleep, Bertolt.”

“Alright.” 

You both shifted around until you were flat on your back with the book under your head and he was lying on his side with his head pillowed on your stomach. His hand slid up under your shirt to touch the twisting scars that curved around your side. You flinched but he left it resting lightly there until you relaxed. “Does that still make you feel better?” you asked, voice amused.

“Yes.” He ran his thumb along one of the slightly puckered lines. “This way I know you’re not just a memory.”

You brushed the back of your hand over the ridges of the shifter scars that still hadn’t quite faded from his cheeks. “Yeah. I know what you mean.” You kept stroking his face until his breathing evened out. You stared up at the sky for a while before falling into a light doze.

 

 

When you woke up Bertolt was lying sprawled over your torso, stomach down with his face squished into the crook of your arm on the far side from where he’d started. One of his arms snaked between your legs and under your thigh while the other lay stretched out over the grass by your head, elbow perilously close to your nose where you’d turned your head. You were having trouble getting air with his weight pressing down on your chest so you squirmed and whined and pushed at his side with the one arm you had left to use — the other was asleep and unmoving under his heavy head — until he groaned and rolled down onto your legs. You took a deep breath and sat up. 

“Bertolt,” you said, lightly touching his face. He wasn’t steaming and his temperature was warm but felt normal for him. He turned his head very slightly into your hand. You smiled softly then gently pinched his nose between your fingers and waited. He came to with a loud gasp and a panicked roll of his eyes and you released his nose abruptly. “Bertolt, it’s okay. It’s me.” You moved your hand to cup his cheek and he focused his green eyes on you. “I’m sorry. It’s okay.”

“Hey...” He relaxed under your touch and took a few long breaths. “Is something wrong?”

“Not at all.” You winced as you shook the last of the pins and needles from your arm. “You were just trying to smother me in your sleep.”

He flinched and hesitantly met your eyes. “You’re not...?”

“No,” you laughed, bending down to kiss his forehead. “I’m just fine. But it’s been at least two hours and we should get moving.”

He let out a deep sigh and reached up to brush the backs of his knuckles against your cheek. “Already?”

You turned your head to brush your lips against his hand. “Yeah. You know how Jean gets.”

Bertolt lay a finger lightly against your lips. “He’s become so conscientious of everyone around him.”

“I think you mean: a total mother hen.” You smiled to let him know you were joking, mostly. 

Bertolt pressed his lips together and pushed his finger more firmly against yours. “You’re going to upset him if he hears you saying things like that.”

You rolled your eyes even as you smiled against Bertolt’s finger and made a little hum of agreement. He gently stroked his thumb over your lower lip. You opened your mouth and as he slid a finger in and began rubbing your tongue you let out an entirely different sort of noise. You closed your teeth gently on his finger and he went still. When you lowered your gaze to meet his he smiled up at you hopefully and pulled his finger back, letting your teeth pull at his skin. 

“If we’re out here... you don’t have to worry about how loud you are,” he murmured, eyes drifting down and away.

You smirked and grabbed his wrist before he could completely withdraw his hand. “It would be nice to not have to worry about how flimsy the tents are...” You pressed a kiss to his palm. “Are you still going to be quiet for me, Bertolt?”

A light flush crept up his cheeks. “Yes...”

You trailed kisses down to the cuff of his jacket. “Take this off.” Bertolt sat up and stripped off his still slightly damp jacket. You reached over and helped him with the buckles of his harness. When it was hanging loose around his hips you grabbed the hem of his shirt. “This too.” He simply lifted his arms and let you take it. After tossing it on the grass you trailed a hand down his chest and felt him shiver. “Lie down.” 

“Alright.”He lay back on the grass, eyes fixed on you. 

You made short work of the rest of his harness and clothing. When he was lying there naked you crawled over him and bent your head to press your lips against his. He kissed back gently and you felt his hands settle on your hips. “Nuh-uh,”you grabbed them and pinned them down at his sides. “No touching. You don’t move unless I move you, got it?”

“Yes.” His pupils dilated and he let out a little whine as you released his hands but aside from a small twitch he didn’t move them. 

You grinned and sat back, lifting one of his hands in front of you. You kissed the back and then the palm. “Such a good boy,” you murmured. “You know, I love how even though your hands are so strong, when you’re reading to me you hold me and the books like they’re made of glass.”

Bertolt drew in a shaky breath but kept his hand limp in your grip. 

With a grin you began kissing your way down his arm. “I feel so safe when you catch me and hug me so tightly I can’t breathe.” You let your teeth graze over the dent where his shoulder met the end of his clavicle and he twitched under you. “And let’s not even get me started on the feelings your chest inspires in me,” you purred as you pulled back to look at him while you ran a hand over one of his sculpted pecs. He closed his eyes but you could feel his heart rate pick up under your hand. “You doing alright there, Bertolt?”

“I want...” He swallowed with some difficulty. “I want to touch you, please?”

You laughed softly and drew your hand down his stomach. “No.” 

“Fu-” he bit back a swear as your hand ghosted down and brushed over the sensitive junction between his hip and thigh. 

You sat back and rested both hands on the muscles of his thighs, stroking the skin lightly with your fingertips. “You’re so strong, Bertolt. And it makes me so hot for you when you listen to me so well.” He shuddered under your touch and you slowly leaned forward, letting your hands travel back up to his waist. “So strong and so handsome...” 

He swallowed again and opened his lovely green eyes to give you a pleading look. “Please?”

“No,” you said, smiling as you bent to kiss the tip of his nose. “In fact, I’m not going to let you move until you’re squirming and begging for it.” He sucked in a sharp breath and you slid your cheek against his as you bent forward a little more to run your tongue along the shell of his ear. When you nipped at the lobe you felt something nudge lightly against the inside of your thigh where you were straddling his hips and you smirked. “So quickly, Bertolt?”

He groaned and squeezed his eyes shut again as a fresh wave of red blossomed over his cheeks.

“It’s okay.” You kissed your way back across his cheek. “I’m happy you’re enjoying this.” You licked at the seam of his lips until he opened his mouth then slid your tongue in to play with his. As you kissed you ran your hands slowly up over his chest and his sides. When you felt him tense or flinch you took a few moments more to explore the area you’d just touched, slowly coaxing soft gasps from his throat. You raised your head and grinned when you saw that his hands were clenched at his sides. You settled down on him, hips pressing his now fully erect cock down against his stomach. His breathing hitched and you watched through half-closed eyes as he started to arch up against you then forced his hips back down. “Bertolt... You’re being so good...” You ran a finger through the soft hair that led down from his bellybutton and rocked your hips forward ever so slightly. “Tell me what you want to do to me.”

His brows drew together and he hesitated for a moment before speaking, “I... I want to hold you...”

“Is that all?” you let your pout out in the tone of your voice as you slid your hands up his sides then drew your nails back down, digging them into his skin not quite hard enough to draw blood.

He did arch up against you this time and gasped. “Oh god... I want to, um... to touch your breasts...”

“These?” You began unbuttoning your shirt and his green eyes snapped open, focusing on you intently. You shrugged the garment off slowly, taking the time to fold it neatly and set it off to the side before you removed your binding, grinning at him as you did. His hands clenched tighter and pressed in against your knees. You sank down so your chest rested lightly against his and began to mouth at his throat. “Tell me, what do you want to do to them when I let you move?”

“Lick them...” he said softly, body stiff under yours. He let out a harsh breath as you rolled your hips down against him. “Ah- b-bite them...”

“Yes, I’d like that,” you told him softly as you rewarded him by grinding slowly against him, “Keep going.” You fastened your mouth on the side of his neck and began to suck hard.

“Walls...” He breathed. “I- I want-” You stopped moving and he whimpered.

The noise shot right through you and you released his neck with a soft popping noise as your insides tightened with desire. You glanced down as you rose over him and saw that the place you’d just marked was already beginning to darken into a bruise. You grinned down at him where he lay with his green eyes fixed on yours and his jaw tightly clenched. “Bertolt.”

He let out a soft noise as he worked his jaw open and his eyes drifted down to your chest. “Please, I need...”

“Need what?” You rocked forward and his eyes snapped back to your face. 

“Y-you...” he mumbled, cheeks heating to pink again as he glanced down at your shoulder. “I need to touch you, please...”

You rose up onto your knees and slowly licked a stripe up your palm before reaching down between you to wrap your hand around his cock. “Is that all you want to do? Just touch me?”

He sucked in a shuddering breath as you twisted your wrist, slowly pulling your hand up his length. “No! God no...”

“Do you want to fuck me into the ground?” You smiled sweetly at him as you lazily jacked him off. “Pound me so hard I can’t ride after?” Bertolt spasmed under you, shoulders actually rising off the ground for a moment. You ran your free hand gently over his chest. “You can have whatever you want if you’ll just ask me for it.”

“Oh god...” Bertolt shifted and breathed out your name before sucking in a deep breath. “Please... I want-” He groaned as you pinched one of his nipples and you heard a dull thunk as he threw his head back against the soft ground. “I want to fuck you!”

You let him go and planted your hands on either side of his head, giving him a wide smirk. “Then do it, Bertolt.”

With a growl he flipped you over onto you back and buried his face between your breasts. You let out a soft laugh that cut off abruptly in a groan as he turned his head and bit down on one of the soft mounds. His hands fumbled at your waist, pulling down your pants and then reaching for your panties, but he ended up partially rolling them up in his haste to remove them so they refused to slide off easily. You lifted your hips before he accidentally ripped them off and he sat back so he could pull them down your legs. He tossed them aside but as he settled in between your thighs he paused to look at you, uncertainty showing through for a second.

You reached up to grab his face and pull him down for a kiss. He shivered as you sucked at his mouth and you felt the back of his hand brush against your inner thigh as he positioned himself. You took a sharp breath and let it out in a slow hiss against his lips as he pushed forward into you until your hips were flush. “Walls... Bertolt...” 

He lay soft kisses over your face and held himself still above you, shaking a little.

You tightened your legs and rocked your hips up against his. “Fuck me already!” You arched up, trying to press more of yourself against him. 

Bertolt pulled back and thrust in again, hard. You gasped and wrapped your arms tight around his neck, holding on tight and rolling your hips up to meet his as he began to fuck you in earnest. His teeth clamped down on the muscle where your neck met your shoulder and you swore softly when they cut through the skin. Bertolt lapped at the wound, hot tongue making it sting worse. When you whimpered he shifted his weight to one arm, slowing for a moment as he reached up and laced your fingers together. Holding your gaze with his forest green eyes he lay a soft kiss on the back of your hand before pinning it to the ground under his. You stretched your neck up and kissed and nipped at his jaw until he lowered his head enough that you could catch his lips in a hungry kiss. 

You pulled apart, gasping for air as he kissed his way back down to your neck and sucked at the wound he’d made there. “Bertolt, nn- harder!” 

He squeezed your hand tight in his as he shifted above you again and you tightened your grip and sucked in a sharp breath as his thrusts become shorter and deeper. You buried your face in his neck, gasping each time he slammed into you. As the tight feeling gathering low in your belly grew your legs began to tremble where they were wrapped tight around his hips. 

“F-fuck, _Bertolt...!_ ” you gasped and he bent his neck to kiss you again, open mouthed and desperate. You arched up against him, back stiffening as pleasure shot through you in tingling waves. He swallowed your cries as you orgasmed, matching them with a loud groan of his own as you dragged your nails down his back. 

You clung to him, shuddering as he continued pounding into your overstimulated body. “Bertolt... C-come.” His hips began to lose their rhythm and you took a deep breath and pulled his head down so you could whisper in his ear, “Come for me, Bertolt.” His hips slammed home and he whimpered your name as he shook above you. You tightened your legs around him and rocked your hips up, fucking him through his orgasm as he quivered and moaned, breath hot against your neck.

As he began to relax he sank down on you and nuzzled his face into your hair. You dredged up enough energy to roll the both of you over onto your sides and snuggled into him. He wrapped his arms around you and pulled you tight against his chest. After a few minutes he nuzzled his face into your hair and mumbled, “Can we stay here tonight?”

You laughed softly and reached up to run your fingers through his sweat-damp hair. “They’ll miss us.”

He sighed and pulled you closer. “We could just stay here forever.”

You lay light kisses along his collarbone. “I want to see the ocean first but maybe after that we could just slip away and find somewhere like this.”

“That sounds perfect.” He ran one large hand slowly up and down your back.

“Mm.” You tightened your fingers in his hair and leaned back so you could pull him down for a gentle kiss. “It does.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Visit me on my [main tumblr](http://wingedmermaid.tumblr.com/) or check out my [writing-only blog](http://mermaid-rambles.tumblr.com/).
> 
> Works inspired by this: [Winter Breeze](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1738901) by KittyIttyKirchtein - An adorable story about a Reader out on a winter expedition with Bertolt.


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